Need advice...

[Kat81]

Ok so here is the long story...

About five or six years ago I was living in this duplex. My neighbor was this girl we will call Beth. Beth and I got along for the sake of being neighbors. About six months into living there Beth met Bob. Beth and Bob hit it right off. Bob moved in and soon they bought a house together. Bob is a good looking guy he was young when they met though. She is four years older. Anyway, Bob and Beth broke up and Beth found out she is pregnant. They got back together and got married. Ok fast forward to now. They have been together five years. I have stayed in contact with them both but on a Christmas card go to the baby shower and wedding kind of a basis. Not like hanging out. Well, they found out I was engaged and wanted to meet my FI. We all four hit it off and have been hanging out a lot together. Bob just got a job working for my FI. So, they have been out of town a lot together. Well, like boys do they have been talking. Bob told my Fi that although he has never cheated (sexually) on Beth... he puts himself in situations where he could. Such as going to parties when he is home visiting his family that she doesn't know about. At these parties he has madeout and blah blah blah with these girls. Which in my mind is just as bad as sleeping with a girl. So, now I don't know what to do. I went to see Fi last saturday night and we got our own hotel room. Well Bob went out with one of the other guys that works with them and went to a bar. He claims some hot blonde chick was hitting on him but he didn't do anything. FI says he is going to have a talk with him. I just don't know what to do. I really don't want to say anything to Beth. She is a stay at home mom and totally trusts bob. They are in the process of selling their home because they just bought a new one and trying to have another baby. Bob is really young... but I still don't think that is an excuse. Beth is pretty controling and likes it her way or the highway but that also is not an excuse. SIGH what do I do Sit silently and let things take their toll? Step up and say something to Bob? Say something to Beth? I almost wish my FI didn't tell me.

[jajajaja]

Yikes a tricky situation. I totally feel your pain because I would want to tell everyone that I think he is being a dog. But since you haven't witnessed anything, I'm not so sure I would run and tell. It could be him talking big to your FI- you know, stupid guy talk. Not that I think it's right, but who knows? Maybe he thinks it's impressive to be a douche bag and thinks his bragging is winning guy points.

 

I think this is one of those situations where I wouldn't want to get involved unless you had to. Who knows- maybe Beth knows more than you think she does.

[DanielleNDerek]

Ugh, that's a bad situation your in. I personally think making out is cheating too. On one hand, you could say something to Beth but she might not believe you. Then it could also hurt Bob and your fi's working relationship. I think that your fi should maybe talk to him. Let him know that cheating on his wife whose home with a baby isn't a good idea and maybe he shouldn't be putting himself in these situations. And is it really worth ruining his relationship with his wife and baby?!

 

I would probably tell my fi not to tell me, we had a similar situation with on of his friends. I just told fi, if you don't want me to say anything to the girlfriend than don't tell me what her boyfriend is doing behind her back. I just had a hard time facing the girl, i would feel guilty.

 

This is really a lose lose situation.

[Kristy!]

I agree with Rachel. Unless you've witnessed it, you can't say anything. I will say though, that if you know for a fact he is messing around, I would tell her. Many will probably disagree with me, but being in a situation where an ex-boyfriend was cheating on me, I would've been upset with my friend had she not told me.

[nikkianddean]

ugh...that is so hard. i would have preferred not to know either. I agree with Rachel - I would say if you are not that close to her it seems a little awkward to go to her with that info. Chances are if you guys know something, she knows too. She just may have not chosen to act on it. Sorry you are having to deal with having this info....

[lucy106]

That is so not cool of Bob to do to Beth and you guys. Unfortunately though I would agree you cant say anything, its like the old "hearsay" thing. Unless you have seen it yourself.... Is there a way you could drop hints to Beth to get her to look into things a little deeper?

[ErinB]

I agree to keep quite for a while. And tell FI to keep you out of it!

 

If you do have concrete proof, say Bob brings a girl to dinner with you and FI, you should tell.

 

You never know though, if they each have such strong personalities, maybe they have some sort of arrangement...I also agree with Rachel that Bob may just be acting macho. I've seen this especially in younger guys or those kinda going through the quarter-life crisis. Maybe Bob is happy, but this isn't the life he had planned so being a ladies man will make him cool?

 

You might want to talk to Beth in general about her marriage, even under the guise of asking for advice. I have a friend who had a second baby to save her marriage and that was a disaster!

 

Rachel I love the new avatar pic! The dark brown is quite sassy!

[Jacqueline]

Eh first of all- Bob's an A-HOLE! Second- it is a very tuff situation for you, sorry you're confused. I dont even know what to suggest. I'd personally say something to her if it was a very close friend, b/c I know I'd want someone to tell me if Joe was acting this way. Whether he not having sex w/ these girls or not, if thats even the truth, he's still putting himself in a bad situation. And I'm SURE if she was doing the same thing, he'd flip out. HOWEVER- sometimes telling the girl is not such a good idea...it can back fire and you wind up the a-hole trouble maker and your FI gets blamed too, etc etc etc. It basically depends on the girl and how you think she'd react...sorry, I'm not much help huh?

[Yari]

I would stay out of it since Beth is not a BFF. If she was, then I would totally tell her. BUT since she isn't I would just keep my mouth shut and tell my FI to not tell me anymore stories.

 

Like Rachel said, Beth might know more than you think. Women's intuition is a powerful thing.

[Kat81]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanielleNDerek Ugh, that's a bad situation your in. I personally think making out is cheating too. On one hand, you could say something to Beth but she might not believe you. Then it could also hurt Bob and your fi's working relationship. I think that your fi should maybe talk to him. Let him know that cheating on his wife whose home with a baby isn't a good idea and maybe he shouldn't be putting himself in these situations. And is it really worth ruining his relationship with his wife and baby?! Yeah I am going to have FI talk to him and tell him I don't want to know anything else. I would probably tell my fi not to tell me, we had a similar situation with on of his friends. I just told fi, if you don't want me to say anything to the girlfriend than don't tell me what her boyfriend is doing behind her back. I just had a hard time facing the girl, i would feel guilty. This is really a lose lose situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucy106 That is so not cool of Bob to do to Beth and you guys. Unfortunately though I would agree you cant say anything, its like the old "hearsay" thing. Unless you have seen it yourself.... Is there a way you could drop hints to Beth to get her to look into things a little deeper?

Yeah you and Rachel are right. I don't have solid evidence... and Bob is such a good dad and husband when he is around Beth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ErinB I agree to keep quite for a while. And tell FI to keep you out of it! If you do have concrete proof, say Bob brings a girl to dinner with you and FI, you should tell. You never know though, if they each have such strong personalities, maybe they have some sort of arrangement...I also agree with Rachel that Bob may just be acting macho. I've seen this especially in younger guys or those kinda going through the quarter-life crisis. Maybe Bob is happy, but this isn't the life he had planned so being a ladies man will make him cool? You might want to talk to Beth in general about her marriage, even under the guise of asking for advice. I have a friend who had a second baby to save her marriage and that was a disaster! Rachel I love the new avatar pic! The dark brown is quite sassy!

Maybe he does just think it is cool to be a ladies man. Maybe he thinks because my FI is older and more experienced with life that it will make him cool.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jacqueline Eh first of all- Bob's an A-HOLE! Second- it is a very tuff situation for you, sorry you're confused. I dont even know what to suggest. I'd personally say something to her if it was a very close friend, b/c I know I'd want someone to tell me if Joe was acting this way. Whether he not having sex w/ these girls or not, if thats even the truth, he's still putting himself in a bad situation. And I'm SURE if she was doing the same thing, he'd flip out. HOWEVER- sometimes telling the girl is not such a good idea...it can back fire and you wind up the a-hole trouble maker and your FI gets blamed too, etc etc etc. It basically depends on the girl and how you think she'd react...sorry, I'm not much help huh?

LOL your advice is pretty much what I would have said. I am at a loss too.

Thanks girls. I guess I will just stay out of it. It just gets hard when I go see Beth and she talks about Bob and their plans. I just feel like it isn't my place to say anything. I will have Fi talk with Bob and see if he can make him see that he has a good thing. A BEAUTIFUL wife and daughter. A home and a wife that would do anything for him. Maybe he will grow out of it before it's too late?