Need Advice--(LONG) Porn Issue

[ErinB]

OK, so I get this teary phone call from my MOH this morning. She had to go so I am supposed to get back to her with my thoughts later tonight.

 

She is starting to think that her husband is addicted to porn. She woke up last night after midnight and he wasn't in bed. She got up and went to the kitchen and could see into the office. He couldn't see her, but there is a mirror on the wall behind the desk that was reflecting him, with headphones, and a computer screen full of porn. She said at first she didn't really process what was going on and just went to bed. At 3:30 she woke up again and he still wasn't there. So she said she was purposely lound and "bumped" into things in the kitchen and he really quickly shut things down and came out of the office.

 

Now, she doesn't know what to do. She is really uncomfortable with porn and doesn't want it in their home. But, she says she can't really fault him because they haven't been intimate in months. They have a 3 year old special needs boy and a 6 month baby girl. Both of her pregnancies were high-risk and she ended up on bed rest with both of them.

 

Mostly she's worried about the bigger implications. That they aren't communicating, that he's hiding things from her. She doesn't know if he has a secret cedit card or bank account to pay for this and if he does what else is he charging. There are lots of things that need to be done around the house including cleaning but he is always tired and doesn't want to do them (but he will stay up until 4 am for porn)...

 

When they first started dating he watched porn and she told him she was uncomfortable with it so he stopped. He said it was no big deal, he was just used to being single and he had been in the Navy for 6 years. But she said she had noticed a few ties that the history on the computer had been cleared and she didn't think anything of it, but now she is wondering if this has been going on for a while.

 

Their marriage is a little strained right now because of the kids, money matters, both have had family memebers die within the past month. She doesn't know if this is just an outlet or something bigger. I don't know what to tell her. I'd say let it blow over for a little while and dicuss it later after Jamaica (for my wedding). That probably sounds selfish but they are both looking forward to a vacation alone, with other adults, and no kiddos. They didn't take a honeymoon so they are really excited. They also live in Texas so we only see each other about once a year.

 

I'm open to thoughts & suggestions!

 

I can now never invite her to join BDW! She'd probably kill me if she knew I posted this!

[jmill130]

I think your advice was good. There is a lot going on in their lives right now. I think that your wedding will be good for them. You are a good friend, hope you can get some advice and wisdom to help her.

[Yari]

A good friend of mine had this issue last month and actually kicked her husband out of the house.

 

Here is my two cents.

 

She needs to have a conversation with him and let him know that it bothers her. They also need to discuss why they are not intimate. Honestly, I don't think looking at porn is that big of a deal. It does bother me and when I found some on our computer I was pissed. BUT men are men and they like to look at porn. Why, I have no idea. I just don't get it, but they do.

 

I told my friend that is it really worth ending a marriage and family over a picture. I think not.

 

I hope this helps a little.

[lucy106]

Oh poor thing!! I would encourage her to tell him her feelings. I know she told him once but some men can be bullheaded and conveniently forget some of these things. so true, a nice vacation sounds perfect. In the long term, couples therapy sounds awesome too! Therapy is a great means to let your feelings out in a safe environment.

[Maura]

hmmm erin, this is tough. a good friend of mine in college had a similar problem with her husband a few years ago. he subscribed to playboy. while that doesnt seem like a big deal to most people, my friend was molested by an extended family member as a child, and was forced to look at playboy magazines while her molester was taking advantage of her. because of this, she did not want her husband to have playboy magazines in the house. well, long story short, he just did not get how terribly uncomfortable it made her to know he looked at playboy. her husband went and got a P.O. Box for his magazine subscription because he just didnt want to give it up. Well, some friend of hers ran into her husband at the post office and noticed he was checking a P.O. Box and pulled out a rather large envelope. innocently enough, she mentioned to my friend "how come you guys have a PO Box?" and my friend obviously had no clue what she was talking about. the friend explained that she saw the husband opening a PO Box. When my friend went to confront her husband, he confessed and it turned into a HUGE blowout fight.

 

this porn issue needs to be addressed. perhaps she can bring up with him that she realizes the lack of intimacy is part of the reason he has turned to porn, but they need to communicate and work on this issue together. the fact that he stays up until 4 am to watch porn on the computer yet wont do his household duties is really disturbing. i think the vacation away from the kids will be a big help, but they need to realize that when they come back from the vacation, they still will have 2 small kids to deal with. the communication thing is going to be an ongoing issue.

[nikkianddean]

It sounds like they have a lot going on. With two children requiring special attention (or any kids for that matter) it's no wonder that their marriage would be under a lot of stress. Are they open to therapy? Maybe a neutral party might help them talk thru things...You are a very good friend and they are lucky to have you!!!

[chicago88]

Wow, it sounds like they have a lot going on!!

 

I would tell her to be honest with her husband and communicate with him about the porn & other issues. I don't think its healthy to just pretend nothing is going on. They need to start opening up and working on their problems.

[Kat81]

Her not talking to him about her feelings is just as bad as him not talking to her about the porn. They need to set aside some time by themselves and talk. My FI looks at porn probably on a daily basis. We have a very good sex life and it doesn't bother me. BUT if it does bother her they need to work it out. Even though they have two children that need attention they need to get out together and enjoy their relationship. Maybe that is part of it. Sometimes, relationships fade away because so much is going on and neither party works at it. It's too bad you aren't closer so you could kick them out of the house for a weekend and take care of the kiddos. I bet Jamaica is just what they need. A weekend or week to get away and enjoy their love.

[Dez921714]

I do think that she and her husband need to talk about it.

 

But let her know that there are some free porn sites out there, so he might not be hiding a credit card and stuff from her.

 

I'm weird, I don't mind porn. I'd rather he look at porn than cheat. What bugs me is that FI will watch it without me, so then I watch it without him LOL He claims to feel weird watching it with me because it's always been a "solo" thing. The few times we did watch it together turned into fun nights....

[rodent]

I dont think the fact that he hides it is part of a bigger issue. He could easily be honest aobut everything else, but hides this one thing because obviously she doesn't approve. I personally don't care if a guy looks at that stuff. Just about every guy I know does. Often if a woman forbids it, the guy just sneaks it. I think sometimes guys just need a little visual stimulation. I don't think she should make him feel guilty about it or creepy.