Breathe Sarah Breathe!

[jajajaja]

well crap- then I say make sure you lay down the line with them. You are adults- you deserve to be treated as such. IF they are going to hold the money, the house or whatever else they use as leverage, then you should find a nice place to have it instead.

[A10CalGal]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LC_Rachel well crap- then I say make sure you lay down the line with them. You are adults- you deserve to be treated as such. IF they are going to hold the money, the house or whatever else they use as leverage, then you should find a nice place to have it instead.

I tend to agree w/Rachel on this. As silly as it seems, all this being over a candy buffet, it really is a pivotal moment in time. If you accept this treatment, which in essence is inappropriately controlling, you send a message back that gives permission for things to go down like this in the future. Perhaps finding an alternative & neutral location to have your AHR will be a big signal to FMIL that you are indeed adults, you don't need her crap & you can handle this stuff just fine without intervention designed to "teach you a lesson."

[Spazz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christa I tend to agree w/Rachel on this. As silly as it seems, all this being over a candy buffet, it really is a pivotal moment in time. If you accept this treatment, which in essence is inappropriately controlling, you send a message back that gives permission for things to go down like this in the future. Perhaps finding an alternative & neutral location to have your AHR will be a big signal to FMIL that you are indeed adults, you don't need her crap & you can handle this stuff just fine without intervention designed to "teach you a lesson."

I couldn't have said it better myself!

[jajajaja]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christa I tend to agree w/Rachel on this. As silly as it seems, all this being over a candy buffet, it really is a pivotal moment in time. If you accept this treatment, which in essence is inappropriately controlling, you send a message back that gives permission for things to go down like this in the future. Perhaps finding an alternative & neutral location to have your AHR will be a big signal to FMIL that you are indeed adults, you don't need her crap & you can handle this stuff just fine without intervention designed to "teach you a lesson."

haha this was more well said. Stupid people won't stop giving me Admin gifts today so I couldn't get out a clear thought!

[Kat81]

There are two things you said that keep repeating in my head. One is that they are teaching you a lesson. That only insinuates that they are holding the money over your head like you would a teenager. You can't give someone money then take it back. The other thing is, there will be no candy buffet in my house. What a statement. That says it all right there. Screw my son and his FI and their feelings.... She doesn't seem to care that this is your wedding and your reception. She is focused on herself and how it might reflect on her!! I am so steaming mad right now......

[Ana]

Honestly I think personally I would just say forget it to even having them (a)host the party at their house and (b)give the 5k towards it. Maybe you can find a nice hall or another location to have it at, take out a 5k loan, and have the reception the way you want to have the reception. Allow them to attend as GUESTS not hosts and that should get the point across. This is your wedding, you only get one, so you should do it the way you want to. $5000 in the greater scheme of your life, as well as your pride, is not a big price to pay. You're not children who need to be taught a lesson, you're adults who were given an opportunity and a gift by them. The "gift" of helping with the AHR shouldn't come with limitations. Stand up for yourselves and don't let them do what they want. The party isn't for them, its not for their friends either, its for you and Kevin to be celebrated for coming together in marriage...and it should be done the way you want it to be done. If your FMIL wants to have a party of her own, then she can do that.

 

I just read throught the whole thread and I'm fuming (so I can only imagine how you're feeling). I'm a pretty forward person though, and I don't really forgive easily, so obviously take my advice with a grain of salt because it might not be condusive to your personality.

 

I just don't think that at this point anything good can come of continuing to have the party at her house. Either way she wins on this, and gets to treat you and Kevin like children. I would text her back and say "Words once spoken are hard to forget. They leave a lasting impression, and having them in black and white in emails isn't something that you can just take back with an apology". Then I would call around and see what venue would be open for the time and date that you have your guests arriving. Book it, move the vendors over, and send out a quick card to your guests informing them of the change. I think this will allow you to have the AHR of your dreams, without feeling guilty or pressured to cater to someone else's vision (namely your FMIL and FFIL), and it will show them that you're adults who can make your own decisions. Its not fair that your relationship with them is predicated on whether or not you adhere to their wishes. They should respect and understand you regardless. Maybe its them who need to be taught a lesson.

[ErinB]

Sarah, I'm so sorry about all of this! I'm tempted to say you teach them a lesson and cancel the AHR at their house! They will lose their deposit money because they were being selfish and imposing their ideas upon you and Kevin.

 

You should go ahead and look for an alternate location. I'd be happy to help if you want to PM me the details. I have seveal clients based in AZ. Then tell your FILs that no, things are not the same but that was their choice, not yours. You and Kevin apprecaite their generosity in letting you stay in the house and giving you a budget for the wedding. But, now you and Kevin are married adults and need to start a life together and on your terms. If you make a mistake, then you will take responsibility for it. As someone said earlier, if this continues, by the time you have kiddos, it will be out of control!

[alex]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ana Honestly I think personally I would just say forget it to even having them (a)host the party at their house and (b)give the 5k towards it. Maybe you can find a nice hall or another location to have it at, take out a 5k loan, and have the reception the way you want to have the reception. Allow them to attend as GUESTS not hosts and that should get the point across. This is your wedding, you only get one, so you should do it the way you want to. $5000 in the greater scheme of your life, as well as your pride, is not a big price to pay. You're not children who need to be taught a lesson, you're adults who were given an opportunity and a gift by them. The "gift" of helping with the AHR shouldn't come with limitations. Stand up for yourselves and don't let them do what they want. The party isn't for them, its not for their friends either, its for you and Kevin to be celebrated for coming together in marriage...and it should be done the way you want it to be done. If your FMIL wants to have a party of her own, then she can do that. I just read throught the whole thread and I'm fuming (so I can only imagine how you're feeling). I'm a pretty forward person though, and I don't really forgive easily, so obviously take my advice with a grain of salt because it might not be condusive to your personality. I just don't think that at this point anything good can come of continuing to have the party at her house. Either way she wins on this, and gets to treat you and Kevin like children. I would text her back and say "Words once spoken are hard to forget. They leave a lasting impression, and having them in black and white in emails isn't something that you can just take back with an apology". Then I would call around and see what venue would be open for the time and date that you have your guests arriving. Book it, move the vendors over, and send out a quick card to your guests informing them of the change. I think this will allow you to have the AHR of your dreams, without feeling guilty or pressured to cater to someone else's vision (namely your FMIL and FFIL), and it will show them that you're adults who can make your own decisions. Its not fair that your relationship with them is predicated on whether or not you adhere to their wishes. They should respect and understand you regardless. Maybe its them who need to be taught a lesson.

BRAVO, Well said Ana!!!! Your words are EXACTLY what I've been thinking of to say this entire time, but I wasn't able to get it out right.
You deserve to have the reception that YOU want!!! Stay strong!

[DreaW]

Sarah, Just read this whole thread right now. I'm so sorry about what is happening. Trust me I went through the whole thing with Erik and his Mother and father....They were both a pain in the butt to the very end and now I don't talk to them much unless Erik is with me....lol.

 

I say you need to take the reins to this situation. Tell her that you both want the AHR and that they can help pay if they like but you will not have it at their house. You will be doing it somewhere else.

 

Erik and I in the very beginning were trying to accommodate everything for his parents but at the end I was crying just like you, Erik was arguing with his parents, it wasn't turning out great. So Erik and I both decided to f***K it and just have the wedding in Cabo, so we got up and planned our wedding in 2 months to have it in cabo. We also were going to have an AHR but since it was also getting complicated it never happened. Still bummed about that....

 

Anyways off the subject. You two are both adults, tell them that and you are putting your foot down.

[becks]

Oh Sarah!!! I'm soooooo sorry that you have to go through all of this. It's just not reasonable and your FMIL is just being petty - plain and simple.

 

"Teach you a lesson" my a$$!!!!! For Pete's sake - if they don't tell you you're over budget, how the HELL are you supposed to know? Particularly if it was their job to keep track of the $$ being spent.

 

I don't know if you have the means to accomodate it, but find another venue. Use a friend's house. Or call the VFW hall (they are usually pretty affordable), or something.

 

If you can't find another venue, and you still want to have it at the FIL's house, my suggestion is to arrange with a couple of friends to come to the AHR a little late carrying all the stuff you bought for the candy buffet and loudly proclaim, right in front of your FMIL, "we know how much you wanted a candy buffet, so we got you one as a gift!"

 

What's she gonna do then?? That's right... helloooooo candy buffet!