How to be the bigger person?

[ErinB]

Ok, so a little back story for those who are unfamiliar with the situation...

My FBIL is getting married 3 weeks before us. We were engaged first, my FI is the oldest child, we have been together for 6 years. Everyone on FI's side of the family is of course going to FBIL's wedding because it is in their hometown and before ours (understandable).Well, that side of the family is making me out to be the bad guy for having a DW. We paid deposits/reserved seats for 14 family members, now only 5 are going and we will lose about $5k on them.

 

Well, FI's mom decided to host a shower for me because she felt bad no one was going. I get a call a few weeks ago that we would have to move my shower up to 10 am because that was the same day as FBIL's FI. We also had to move the location so it would be a closer drive for everyone--to FI's parents house which is TINY! Keep in mind it is a 9 hour drive for us to get there. FBIL's fiancee has not said a word about any of her plans to me and when I ask I get vague answers. Today in the mail I get her shower invite. (Part of me wonders if I would have gotten one if I wouldn't have been in town).

 

So I'm trying to decide if I can go. I pride myself on always being the bigger person, I just don't know if I can! I can feel my blood pressure raise when we talk about the wedding and his family! I'm so resentful of them! I do have an out because my mom is going and she wanted to go to her hometown which is about 2 hours away from FI's house. We will only be there from Friday night to Sunday so I can say that there is not time for us to do everything we had planned. Part of me is worried I will a) break down and cry at her shower or be really catty. Part of the reason she supposedly doesn't want me at any wedding things is because she doesn't want me to steal any of her ideas so I'm also tempted to go and "spy"!

 

And just to vent...

FMIL, in her defense, only grew up with boys, only had boys, etc and is not familiar with etiquette. I have not received an invite to my shower nor has my mother. I'm worried if they have gone out and what they look like! I kinda wanted one for the scrap book!

 

FSIL & FBIL sent out registry cards in their formal invite and I thought it was really tacky. I don't think she needs to worry that I will steal that idea!

 

Thanks ladies! I'm going stir crazy being stuck in the house and am all doped up on cold medicine! LOL

[Kat81]

Who planned their wedding date first? Seems like a bunch of crap. Just remember what really matters is you are marrying your soul mate... all this petty shit will dim in your memory. Just go to the shower for an appearance then leave so you can spend time with the ones that really care about you.

[Maura]

girl.... if i were you, this is what i would do:

 

i would feel the same as you (either would cry or be catty) so perhaps the best thing for you to do is just skip it. why put yourself through the stress of it?

[cheese_diva]

You may have found that many of your guests wouldn't have been able to attend your wedding regardless of the other wedding in the family.

 

Judging by how you think your reaction might be, you probably shouldn't go to the shower. I wouldn't want someone at my shower making the day about them or having to worry about a freakout.. sorry but I wouldn't.

 

With that said, you will all be family and will have to deal with each other at some point.

 

Sounds like you have two very different weddings planned. It's good that she didn't go and plan a DW right before yours but what are you more upset about.. the fact that his family won't be attending your wedding (and they'll be going to your FBIL's) or your FSIL is stealing your thunder by planning her wedding before yours?

 

Is your shower the same day as her's and the family is going to both? If that's the case, that's a bit awkward.. "Ok, that's done.. on to the next shower!" Is she going to your shower?

[angitalia23]

Ya dont even worry about it honestly, like you said you pride yourself on being the better person and in this case you know you are. It would be hard not to be resentful but just attend for a lil' bit and forget about it!

[JUSTUSTWO]

If you feel that you're going to cry or be catty, then don't go. If its not in your heart & you're not feeling it, then don't bother. Why go & be misearble? It seems like you're going thru enough with this situation so don't put yourself through additional stress! Do something else enjoyable that day & don't think twice about not being there.

[Dbld78]

Wow....some girls, I tell ya. This is why growing up I didn't have many girlfriends and I'm the same even now. I would be the bigger person and know that your wedding and wedding activities will be great because they are yours. Your wedding will wonderful and not that "cookie cutter" that they have. Your guests not coming....well unfortunately that comes with the territory of having a destination wedding....Just go and bite your tongue....there's nothing better than killing them with kindness....be happy for her and her day will come.....sooner or later!

 

I am going through a similar thing with a "so called" best friend of mine. Although mine isn't as servere it still sucks all the same!

[JennyK]

I wouldn't go..it would only make you feel bad. That would be you being the bigger person. What does your FI have to say about all this?

[jajajaja]

Is she invited to yours?

 

Personally- I wouldn't go. You can always tell when people are miserable and I wouldn't give anyone a reason to talk more about a very awkward situation. You have a legit excuse. Were you even invited last minute too? Even more of an excuse.

 

Also- who has a shower at 10am? THat's such an odd time- unless you make it a brunch I suppose.

 

I hope you all will be able to work it out in the end. This is your future family- even if they do suck. When it all boils down, all if its silly. Focus on the big picture- marrying your FI. Forget the rest and just have a good time.

[ErinB]

Our wedding was planned first (got engaged in March) but she wanted a holiday weekend and didn't want to wait longer than a year so they chose this Memorial Day weekend.

 

My shower was supposed to be at 12 or 1 at a nice restaurant with a private room, but hers is at 3 so they bumped mine up to brunch so everyone would have time to leave mine, go home and get changed, and be at the country club by 2:20-3.

 

I'm just tired of sharing everything for the wedding and it's not fair to either of us. Some of the family has already said they would just bring our gifts to their wedding! WTF!

 

FI gets mad at me because he is so protective of his family. They are all a little crazy and you can't say anything negative about them or he gets super defensive. Constructive criticism doesn't work either. Our biggest fight is the "you need to cut the f-ing cord" discussion.

 

I'd be ok with most of this but I feel like they are the ones blowing things out of proportion or making things more difficult. (Seriously, would you not check before you scheduled a shower?)

 

I'm just venting! I vow to never live closer than 6 hours away from those people! I don't think my sanity can take it!