Guilt over bridesmaids

hollisandsteph · March 13, 2008

Ok to give alittle background. We were at a concert with my FI's best friend and his wife. With alittle help of Jose Cuervo I asked them to come with us to Jamaica and she would be my MOH. We have gotten along since I met her the first time 5 years ago but have only started hagning out through the guys a year or two ago. As we are approaching the wedding we are getting closer and closer and have been spending alot of time together. I truly enjoy her company and we have been having a blast shopping and planning and loosing weight together. The problem is I have two VERY close friends back home (I moved 3 hours away from my family/freinds to be with my FI) and I feel very guilty for not having them involved. Infact neither one of them seem very interested in my details. I did ask them both to come along and neither can. One has a new baby and the other a new job. Well, all of a sudden they have kinda jumped right into the BM role and are planning the shower and bachlorette party. I love they are doing it but it make me feel guilty cause that traditionaly is the MOH's responsibility. I feel like I am making the actual MOH feel unimportant. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest..lol Should I feel weird about this and is there anyway [to relieve the tention that I am afraid will be between all the girls. My MOH is going home with me for all the prewedding celebration.

jajajaja · March 13, 2008

While it traditionally the MOH's role, throwing a shower/ bachelorette party for all of your friends to attend that live three hours away may be more difficult for her. Maybe she can throw you one where you currently live? Nothing wrong with having too many parties!

Have you also talked to her about this? Maybe it doesn't bother her and never even crossed her mind. My friend through me a bachelorette party and my MOH didn't even care. One less thing on her plate, you know? SHe just got to show up and enjoy herself like everone else.

nikkianddean · March 13, 2008

I feel very embarassed for saying this, but according to Emily Post (who lives according to Emily Post) it is NOT the bridal party's responsibility.

Who can throw a Bridal Shower?

Traditionally, bridal shower etiquette says that close family members of the bride (sisters and moms) are not supposed to throw a shower for the bride. But, for many brides, there simply is no one else who can or is willing to do it. Therefore, anyone who wants to throw a shower can, bearing in mind that if there are plenty of people who would like to throw a shower for the bride, then the mother and sisters should take a backseat. Bridesmaids do traditionally throw the bride a shower.

Your friends probably want to share in your wedding, but since they can;t make it this is the best way for them to honor you. You have great friends! Let them celebrate you!!!

lucy106 · March 13, 2008

I totally agree with Nikki. Let your home friends do this for you guilt free. Maybe they feel bad they cant go with. That is very nice of your MOH to go with, thats a long day or weekend for someone who wont know anyone. I think no reason to feel bad about any of it. People develop new friendships and grow in and out of them. Thats just life.

rodent · March 13, 2008

I don't think it matters who throws it. I have thrown a bachellorette party when i wasn't MOH, & I didn't do it before when i was. I think it just depends on circumstance. If I did have BMs (I have honarary BMs) they would not be the ones throwing my bachelorette party. It's hosted by 3 other girls I'm close to that like to throw parties.

I think it's nice to spread the jobs/ fun stuff around. These girls asked if I'd like them to do it & I was excited.

So I don't think traditional roles really matter. Just do what works for your group.

the time I threw the bach party, it was because the MOH was her sister & all the rest of the BMs were friends. Her sister didn't really know us all so it made more sense for me to throw the bach party. She hosted the shower. I imagine it was good for her. She had so many other wedding responsibilities that it was probably a relief to not have to mess with the party. It was great for me because it was all I was planning so I got really creative with it. The other BMs pitched by bringing alcohol & snacks. it was so easy & we had a great time.

hollisandsteph · March 13, 2008

I guess I am just worried about making people feel unimportant to me through this process but the two good friends seemed somewhat uninterested in my details so I quit talking about it to them. It was kinda a let down. I did let them both know early on that if we had chosen a local wedding they would have been my maid and matron of honor. I had also decided to get them both a gift as if they were in my wedding party. I am not sure what I am going to get them yet though. Anyone have any ideas? Especially now since they are coordinating the parties. I know this is a silly thing to be stressing over being I am just over 2 months away and still have alot of other things to worry about. :-)

hollisandsteph · March 13, 2008

BTW I we are not tradional at all... We have been together for 8 years. Living together 5 and have a 2 year old together with previous children for both of us so why I would be worried about tradition...I don't know..lol

twinkletoes · March 13, 2008

No need to feel guilty. I agree, nothing wrong with having too many properties, if thats what you want, and both sets of friends want to throw you a party.

Just think, in reality, all 'tradition' went out the window when you started planning a destination wedding!

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Update: I just read your latest post. That solidifies my tradition out the window comment! But whose to say what tradition really is. Everyone can define it their own way. And why not start a new 'tradition' :~)

nikkianddean · March 13, 2008

Christina is right. You should not feel the need to conform to tradition. you should do what makes you happy, not what you feel obligated to do. That is what will make your wedding uniquely yours!

As far as gifts, for bridesmaids i was going to gift them with something like Tiffany passport covers ( I adore these although they are a little pricey).

Maybe you can get them something that reflects Jamaica...like tropical pedicures together at a nearby nail salon that you all can enjoy together and relax...