Family Drama

Since my FI and I started planning our wedding in the DR we have had drama with my mom's side of the family complaining about how they can't come for one reason or another. It has been on excuse after another and I've come to realize she's just bad I am not having a wedding back home, where I don't live anymore.   We stuck to our guns though and are very excited to head to the DR.

When asked the financial help question, my mom and her husband told us that they couldn't help us pay for the wedding.  My MOH (sister) also asked her to help with my shower, same answer. She paid for half my dress, which I appreciate but I don't really consider it as contributing to the wedding expenses as our wedding is pretty expensive for a DW.  Later they also told me they weren't coming, but that is an entirely different story. 

My father and stepmom as well as my future inlaws contributed equal amounts to our wedding.  (yay!) Their contribution is paying for 95% of our wedding expenses.  When I ordered our invitations my dad, stepmom and inlaws names are on the invite, not my mother and her husband.  So the invitation says "Mr and Mrs Bride's Dad together with Mr and Mrs Grooms Dad invite to to the wedding of..." Yesterday I got an irrate call from my grandmother (mom's side) saying I insulted the family by not including her on the invitation.

Am I wrong in this?  My mom is not helping with any part of the wedding and not even attending.   I looked it up and it said those throwing the wedding names' should be on the invitation. 

I've been upset about this all last night.  My FI told me not to worry about it, but I hate having anyone mad at me, especially my grandparents. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I have to agree with your FI, don't let them get you down. This is your decision. YOUR wedding and as long as you and your FI are there, what other people do and say does not matter.

Why should I acknowledge you when you are not showing your blessings? In my opinion (and I could be biased) I don't think you owe your mother's side that acknowledgement.  We are paying for our own wedding, so no one's name is on anything besides ours.  I don't think it is fair on you or your future husband for the family to be acting as if this event is for them or about them. ITS NOT!!!!! It is a happy day for you and your man. Point blank and if they can't be happy for you, then why would you want them to be your guest?

Originally Posted by cdc150 

Since my FI and I started planning our wedding in the DR we have had drama with my mom's side of the family complaining about how they can't come for one reason or another. It has been on excuse after another and I've come to realize she's just bad I am not having a wedding back home, where I don't live anymore.   We stuck to our guns though and are very excited to head to the DR.

 

When asked the financial help question, my mom and her husband told us that they couldn't help us pay for the wedding.  My MOH (sister) also asked her to help with my shower, same answer. She paid for half my dress, which I appreciate but I don't really consider it as contributing to the wedding expenses as our wedding is pretty expensive for a DW.  Later they also told me they weren't coming, but that is an entirely different story. 

 

My father and stepmom as well as my future inlaws contributed equal amounts to our wedding.  (yay!) Their contribution is paying for 95% of our wedding expenses.  When I ordered our invitations my dad, stepmom and inlaws names are on the invite, not my mother and her husband.  So the invitation says "Mr and Mrs Bride's Dad together with Mr and Mrs Grooms Dad invite to to the wedding of..." Yesterday I got an irrate call from my grandmother (mom's side) saying I insulted the family by not including her on the invitation.

 

Am I wrong in this?  My mom is not helping with any part of the wedding and not even attending.   I looked it up and it said those throwing the wedding names' should be on the invitation. 

 

I've been upset about this all last night.  My FI told me not to worry about it, but I hate having anyone mad at me, especially my grandparents. 

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I dont think your in the wrong at all. From what I understand it is whomever is helping financially with the wedding you include on the invitation. I know its a tough situation especially since it is your mom and it sucks having people mad at you, (especially other family) but try not letting it get to you. This is YOUR day and you only get to do it once, so its only fair that you do what you and your FI truely want to do. It was her decision not to help financially with the wedding, and personally I would find it unfair to those who are helping to have her name on the invites. If she's not helping you out or even attending the wedding for that matter, then her name shouldn't be included on the invite. (If that makes sense lol). I'm sorry if I sound like a complete cow the way I worded that, totally not my intention was just trying to make a point. Good luck!

I think you did the right thing.  I was under the impression that you include the invitation names of only those contributing and throwing the wedding.  I know if may have upset your mom, but maybe you could just explain that it is tradition to not include her name if not financially helping with the expenses. 

Try not to let it get to you!  You will have a beautiful wedding in DR no matter who is in attendance!
 

Originally Posted by cdc150 

Since my FI and I started planning our wedding in the DR we have had drama with my mom's side of the family complaining about how they can't come for one reason or another. It has been on excuse after another and I've come to realize she's just bad I am not having a wedding back home, where I don't live anymore.   We stuck to our guns though and are very excited to head to the DR.

 

When asked the financial help question, my mom and her husband told us that they couldn't help us pay for the wedding.  My MOH (sister) also asked her to help with my shower, same answer. She paid for half my dress, which I appreciate but I don't really consider it as contributing to the wedding expenses as our wedding is pretty expensive for a DW.  Later they also told me they weren't coming, but that is an entirely different story. 

 

My father and stepmom as well as my future inlaws contributed equal amounts to our wedding.  (yay!) Their contribution is paying for 95% of our wedding expenses.  When I ordered our invitations my dad, stepmom and inlaws names are on the invite, not my mother and her husband.  So the invitation says "Mr and Mrs Bride's Dad together with Mr and Mrs Grooms Dad invite to to the wedding of..." Yesterday I got an irrate call from my grandmother (mom's side) saying I insulted the family by not including her on the invitation.

 

Am I wrong in this?  My mom is not helping with any part of the wedding and not even attending.   I looked it up and it said those throwing the wedding names' should be on the invitation. 

 

I've been upset about this all last night.  My FI told me not to worry about it, but I hate having anyone mad at me, especially my grandparents. 

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I agree with the other brides!  The people that are helping should be on the invites.

Hopefully, you can explain to them the situation and they realize that it's a day for you and your FI.

I just wonder if your mom can afford and does not want to spend money or she can't afford to help. That would make quite a difference. 

My mom barely makes her ends meet so does my FI parents, we can't expect them to pay for our wedding, even tho it would be awesome.

Oh, that sucks. I can sympathize.... my mom is being totally unsupportive too. FI's family is helping us a little with the DW, and my parents are helping with the AHR, supposedly, since that is our compromise (it is back in my hometown, which is what they wanted). My family is not offering to help at all with the DW, and all they are doing is complaining about the cost of travel.

Grrrr....

So what we are doing is putting OUR names on the DW invite, and on the AHR invite, but included a blurb about it being "hosted by _____" my parents. It is pretty informal though, and that can easily be removed if they go back on what they said and choose NOT to help us out. 

Because, you are totally right. ONLY the people who help pay for the wedding (especially considering your other family members are contributing so significantly!) should be on the invite, according to etiquette rules. And, considering she is not even going, how can she expect her name to be on it? My guess is your grandma did not hear the full story. But I do understand how it sucks to have people mad at you.... just know that you did the right thing, and stay focused on what matters; you and your groom and your life together! It can be very stressful, but remember, this too shall pass.

Thanks, ladies!  My sister just called me to let me know that my mom told her she is "mortified" she's not on the invitation.  My mom hasn't called me about it, I just heard second hand.  Apparently that whole side is mad at me.  I know how I worded the invitation was correct, but this is just unexpected drama I was not prepared to deal with. 

I guess I have to play the other side here....sorry cdc150....but she did 'help.' You said that she helped with the cost of your dress, which maybe isn't as much as paying for half of the wedding, but it is something. I am sure she sees it as significant, even if you don't.

Where I am from it does not matter who helped pay for the wedding, if you list one parent on the invite you list them all. My future in laws are paying about half of the wedding costs, we are covering the other half. My mom and dad are not at all able to contribute financially. Never in a million years would I leave my mom off the invitation. Around here the reason that we list parent's names is to show respect for our families, show our guests what families we belong to, etc. I can understand your grandmother being upset...you have just excluded her entire family.

I can understand your mom being mortified that she is not on the invitation, you have basically just told everyone on your invite list that you mom didn't contribute financially to your wedding...and that is no one's business except you two.

Sorry if my opinion is not what you want to hear, but maybe a talk with your mother is in order. Explain to her that you followed supposed 'wedding etiquette' and that is why you listed those who were 'contributing.' And if she is still hurt, apologize for hurting her.  Maybe that will help to ease your upset feelings.

Good luck to you, none of this wedding planning stuff is easy and we all make mistakes!

Lucy