Getting friends and family on board--Should we just elope?

[meggo623]

Hi All,

 

I know there have been quite a few posts like these over the years and I know my position is not unique, but I really need some support right now. I am having the hardest time getting people to like/understand my destination wedding dream. I want to do something really small and simple at a tropical locale, perhaps 20-25 people tops. I have a big family, so 10 of those people are just immediate family members...and it's the immediate family members who are the toughest to deal with.

 

My dad and stepmom say they will support us but have been less than enthusiastic about it and I sent them a long e-mail about how this is really my dream and how unsupported I feel, and they just replied that they are discussing it and will get back to me. My fiance's parents are moving to Saudi Arabia (from our hometown) and do not want us to do a tropical DW, but would prefer something in Europe or back home so it would be easier for them to get to. My mom and stepdad are fine with it and say they'll be there no matter what, but I know they can't really afford it. We're all solidly middle class, and while this DW won't cost more than an annual vacation, most of my family has stopped taking annual vacations since the recession.

 

So, at what point do you just give up your dream and do something else? I would rather elope than have a wedding at home. I just imagine a hometown wedding being mega-boring and neither my fiance or I are into the idea. However, I have heard from several family members (my mom and my sister) that they would have a really difficult time not being there for me...and I do really want them to be there...

 

Am I just being selfish? Should I pick the most affordable option and give up my dream of a DW? I am so tired of people giving me ideas and telling me what they think I should do (which is always the most convenient option for them). I have a vision and I feel like anything less would be sad...of course, I also have overwhelming guilt that I am being a huge brat about this.

 

HELP! What should I do?

 

P.S. Locations on the short list are Puerto Vallarta, St John, St Lucia and Jamaica. I am looking for something with beaches and mountains so that people can do lots of activities, plus I want a vista at my ceremony...not just the white sandy beach thing, but something a little more scenic.

[Bride2012]

Do whats in YOUR heart to do!!! I have a large family and I can count on one hand how many will be attending, and my family is real close....it kills me to know that it will be mainly the FI's friends and family there, but it's what I want and I know them being there will be the last thing on my mind when I marry my best friend!

 

My friends got married at Riu MoBay...it was GORGEOUS and we all had fun there.  Its one of the least expensive resorts/all inclusives we had come across.

 

You can still do something small in your hometown, maybe a courthouse wedding and have everyone involved.  My FI are getting married at the courthouse first because it's just simply too expensive to get a marriage license in the DR!
 

Go with your heart and know these memories will last you YOUR lifetime

[JayKay]

It is your wedding and you need to do what you want!! 

We experienced some backlash from immediate family members about our decision to have a DW.  We realized though that if ew wanted a dream DW we had to pick somewhere affordable for our family members.  That was the one sacrifice we were willing to make in order to somewhat accomodate our family and friends.  Other then that we are doing what we want and who ever shows up, shows up.  Looking back in someways it might have been easier just to go elope just the two of us and do something once we got back.  Good luck with your decision!

[meggo623]

Thanks for the perspective. My dad just called to tell me he'll support me no matter what, especially if it is my dream...but that other people (like my stepmom) may be upset if I choose a DW because it is insensitive to family members who may not be able to afford to come. 

 

JayKay--where did you end up having your DW? And I find it really interesting that you might have preferred to elope in hindsight. 

[meggo623]

NM, Jaykay, I see your signature now! LOL.

[clgriffi7]

I hope this doesn't sound too rude - but I think it was insensitive of your father to say that to you.  In the past weddings were more about the families (a way of linking two families together), but now weddings are about the union of two people who truly love each other.

 

If you truly want to make your family happy, then I like Bride2012's idea of the two of you eloping and getting married in the gorgeous destination of your dreams (un-encumbered by cost restrictions of guests) and then return home and have a legal ceremony and reception (based on what you can afford) back home.

 

 

Originally Posted by meggo623 

Thanks for the perspective. My dad just called to tell me he'll support me no matter what, especially if it is my dream...but that other people (like my stepmom) may be upset if I choose a DW because it is insensitive to family members who may not be able to afford to come. 

 

JayKay--where did you end up having your DW? And I find it really interesting that you might have preferred to elope in hindsight. 

 

[JayKay]

LOL

 

Yeah, and hindsight I wish we would have just eloped.  My FI wanted to and I didn't because I really wanted to have my family there.  Now I wish we just would have.  It has been nothing but a headache with all the travel bookings and what not.  Also, some of the people I wanted to be there, like my brother, can't come anyways.  I'm glad everyone else is coming, but looking back we should have just eloped.
 

Originally Posted by meggo623 

NM, Jaykay, I see your signature now! LOL.

 

[jmastr05]

I agree with the other girls that eloping can give you the chance to have your dream of a wedding on a scenic beach. Then you can have an AHR that your friends and family can attend.

 

You can also stick to your DW plan and come to terms with the fact that not everyone will be able to attend. Maybe I am jaded as a recent bride, but... Why is it that people who should feel happy to be invited to share in your special day, tend to instead feel a sense of entitlement and expect to be the center of your planning??? Please excuse my tangent...

 

At the risk of being yet another person giving you alternative ideas (at least you know that I am not doing so in my own interest), here are some ideas for hometown weddings that I have read or seen that do not seem mega-boring to me:

• wedding at a zoo or aquarium (Saw an awesome zoo wedding on TLC's Four Weddings, season 3 episode 12)
• wedding at a winery (This is what I would have done if I didn't have a DW)
• dessert-only reception that starts later
• wedding on a cruise (I live just outside Manhattan and I know there are a variety of dinner cruises that circle the island)

Maybe one of these could be your AHR after your DW or elopement (Is that a word?)

[jlarruda]

What stood out to me, is that you said you want a small wedding and you also said you would rather elope than have a wedding at home.  You have to do what will both make you happy.. and from everything I read having a DW will make you happy, regardless of how small/who can't be there, at the end it will be you & your fiance and whoever could make it.  As long as you give people a good enough notice, don't feel guilty about people not being able to afford it.. because essentially, it is yours & your fiance's day.

[Peach]

Absolutely! I totally agree, and I am in basically the same decision as you; my parents and siblings will probably be there, but are really unenthusiastic about it (with the exception of my sister). No one else on my side is coming; and it is not because they cannot afford it. My big, close family just feels that it is too different and inappropriate for them to go. We are having a large reception in my parents' hometown when we get home, and I am letting them have fairly free reign to plan it, because I care about it a whole lot less.

FI and I want a DW. That is what we decided on; so, if that means I have 5 people there and he has 25, so be it. I get a long with his family, and I would rather be around people excited to be there anyway. They are the ones missing out! I am just trying to shut out the negativity!

The way I look at it, years from now, I will not be worried about the drama. I will probably barely remember it. They might regret not being there, but I will not regret their decisions, because I will be marrying my best friend in a place that we both love. 

That is the way I am looking at it; I do not know if it helps you or not, but hearing from other brides here really helped, so hopefully it does the same with you! I do not know your situation, but I think you may regret it if you change your plans and do something you do not want just to make other people happy.

 

Originally Posted by jlarruda 

What stood out to me, is that you said you want a small wedding and you also said you would rather elope than have a wedding at home.  You have to do what will both make you happy.. and from everything I read having a DW will make you happy, regardless of how small/who can't be there, at the end it will be you & your fiance and whoever could make it.  As long as you give people a good enough notice, don't feel guilty about people not being able to afford it.. because essentially, it is yours & your fiance's day.