stluciabound

Personal update time... I think I really deserve to have a name for this rollercoaster of a year!! So, as of my last post of course we were getting along, but he was moving out, which he physically did. I went out with some girlfriends while he was moving because it was just too upsetting. Well, needless to say he called me histerical (and he NEVER cries) and begged me to come home. I did come home to talk, but we decided that it was still for the best. He moved most of his stuff, even his bed and all, and would go to his new place but kept coming back in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch. I know this sounds ridiculous and counterproductive, but he just couldn't do it I guess. Anyway, we had a really long talk about everything, mainly his family of course, and he finally seemed to get the point. I think he was so busy resenting me for not putting up with their nonsense and pointing out that they aren't the perfect family that they portend to be that he couldn't see how destructive they really are. Anyway, he went over to his parents and told them that I am the woman he loves and wants to marry, how wrong they have been, and how he will never again let them come in between us. Most importantly, he took responsibility for not always having my back the way he should have and that I am the most important woman in his life and I come first. He then told the same to his brother and sister. Too little too late? I don't know yet. I know that I saw glimmers of "the old us" since then that are encouraging. His sister actually called me on my birthday since then and apologized for not calling sooner. His mom also called me the other day to formally invite me to Thanksgiving dinner (luckily I have a job where I could volunteer to work, so I dodged that bullet). Honestly, I am not nearly as concerned with their apologies as I am with the feeling it gave me to know that he really followed through with standing up to them enough for them to take a step. He apparently also told them that if and when I finally decide to come back over there that I would not be making any apologies to anyone (since I didn't do anything wrong to them, despite what they may say) and if there is any awkwardness/rudeness on their end that he would immediately take me and we would leave, not to return. Ugh. These are all the things I so desperately wanted to happen for so long. I just don't know if it's too late. I was finally strong enough to move on and now this. And why should it have to come to this for him to take me seriously? He did finally agree to go to counseling if that is what I want. I don't know. What do you ladies think? We have so much love and so much invested in this relationship... it's just all so confusing. Thanks for listening, as always....

Welcome Dallace! Sorry it couldn't be for a more pleasant topic, but glad you found us The ladies on here have been so wonderful and have helped me get through the most difficult time of my life. I am sure you will find the same. I am sorry to hear that you are going through what seems to be such a similar situation as I faced. It sounds though like at least you and your FI are on the same page, which makes all the difference. I will never understand why people (especially a non-contributing groom's family) think they have the right for so much negative input. It is amazing to me that they can so bluntly express that your wedding is not a priority to them, yet they expect you to alter it so that THEY are the priority. Where do these people come from? And as for the sister's comment... I also faced a similar situation with his sister who also had her entire wedding paid for by their parents making comments about my choices. Really? If you didn't pay a dime for your own wedding you have no right to judge me for the decisions I need to make about my own! I can also totally relate to not being accepted due to the church aspect. His family wasn't as openly disrespectul about it as your FI's, but I know it really bothered them. She did make comments about how when we had kids I would "need" to raise them in the church. Excuse me? Like you said, nothing against the religion, but it is a personal choice with no place in an in-law dinner conversation (and this was even pre-engagement)! It sounds like they decided in their heads what the "perfect daughter in-law" would be for them and have completely disregarded what is really important... the quality of the relationship you two have. It is a load of crap. My best advice,coming from someone who had everything destroyed by this same behavior, is not to let it get out of control and always make sure you and your FI present all of your decisions as a united choice. The moment they think there is any weakness they take advantage of the opportunity to exploit it. At least that was my experience. In any event, I wish you the very best of luck and am sure you wiill have the wedding and happiness you deserve In the meantime... we are all here for you!!!!

Well here is a much needed update... Friday night I stayed out a friend's house to sorta clear my head and when I woke up in the morning I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to find some resolution. So, I picked up the phone to call him and tell him that this arrangement was unhealthy and no longer working for me and that I wanted him to move out. It went surprisingly very well. He listened, was receptive, and agreed. He said he would move back to his parent's for a month or so until he can figure something else out and that he understood that there are some existing bills with the house that he will still make good on and that despite his leaving he still wants to work together until we are both really on our feet. Wow! A glimmer of the maturity of the man I thought I once knew! He also re-agreed to sign over one of the cars and to not screw me over by cancelling anything that is in his name while I am here, aka my cell phone (we have a family plan), the cable, or the car insurance. We agreed that we still do and always will love each other, but that this is for the best and we want to do it the right way. Needless to say I am holding my breath that it all turns out as smoothly as we were somehow able to talk about it. I am sure there will still be ups and downs, but I am cautiously optimistic. Supposedly he should be leaving within the next week or so. I'll keep you amazing ladies posted. Thanks again for all your support and the strength you give me anytime I read one of your responses. I hope all is well with you and all of your planning!!! xo

Thank you all again for all of your heartfelt responses. I could not agree with each of you more. As soon as the turmoil began I felt like getting married was the "candy". At first with him saying "I'm not marrying you on April 14th", then it was about St. Lucia, then finally about the ring. Now, this seems like an extension of that altogether. It's almost embarassing to write because it makes it sound like I was with a man that never loved me or had any intention of marrying me, but that couldn't be further from the truth. This literally all manifested at the hands of his mother as soon as we got engaged, which once again, she desperately wanted. He keeps just saying I can't marry you because things will never be the same between you and my family (um.... no kidding), but then he keeps asking, what is it going to take to make this right? Well, to me it should be crystal clear, and honestly with the amount of respect I have lost for him as a man and potential husband figure I don't know that it's possible... but certainly a demonstration of backbone and setting and enforcing boundries for our relationship and decisions regardless of who the intruding party is would be a minimum start. I need a man that defends and protects me and our relationship... not because I tell him to, but because he wants to and needs to. I don't feel like that is even remotely unreasonable. I also agree with you all that now he more or less is having his cake and eating it too. Despite the unpleasantness of it all he still, to some degree, gets to please mommy and still be around me for some undetermined length of time. And because of us wanting to make it as pleasant as possible and all the history we have, it has evolved into a relationship within a breakup. There is no way this can end well. Just to add a bit of irony... as I was just reading your responses and replying the Dr. Phil show came on and is featuring a future monster-in-law,her son, and his fiancee. Apparently everything was fine until they got engaged, which is when the mother jumped into this borderline incestuous obsession with her son and trying to ruin his marriage. It is like I am watching a mirror of the last 10 months of my life. The damn mother even looks just like his mom lol!!! I feel like waking him up and making him just sit and watch it!! But, I am sure he would just point out how his family wasn't doing those exact things and miss the whole point anyway haha. I just need to find a way to move forward. We have been living this bazaar situation now for a solid 2 months and everything has become so blurred I don't know where to start. As recently as 2 weeks ago at his last work function we had his coworkers congratulating us on our engagement. SERIOUSLY?? I guess as I write this it becomes more clear that it is my own fault for allowing myself to continue to be in these situations. I am the only one that can put a clearcut end to the nonsense. I guess the normalcy just felt comforting. Ugh. Luckily we don't own this house, but at the moment neither one of us can afford it alone. I am willing to get 10 jobs if I have to so he can leave. It is getting him out that will be the problem. I told him to go back to his parents since they are so great and all, but he says he "can't" aka doesn't want to. In my opinion, he should have thought about that before he did what he did (or didn't do,rather). But how do you force someone out? I don't want this to become a war and "hate" each other. I just want to move on. Other main concern,both ofour cars are in his name... if I really get headstrong to get him out and he takes both cars then I can't get to work. He told me he will sign one over to me, but let's face it, as Brenners pointed out,his mother is so vindictive I am sure she will try to convince him to screw me out of that, too. What a mess. Grrr. Well,it's time tostart my day. Thanks, as always, for everything ladies!! xo

Thank you so much everyone for all your kind words and support!!! Yes, we are still living in the same house. We have been getting along pretty well, which makes it a bit more pleasant than fighting of course, but it's not healthy. It is just confusing and blurring our status. One day he talks about moving out and the next he will make casual references to the future. It is so frustrating. Does he seriously think he gets to cancel our wedding, take back the ring, and then just pretend like everything is back to normal? I need to be able to move on and not waste any more of my life on a relationship that has been destroyed. I want him to leave and I have told him to go, but yet, here he stays. I would leave, but I have nowhere to go. I have no family here, he does (obviously since they have been the problem all along). Then, the other day he tells me that he was talking to his mom and she brought up the fact that the holidays are coming and that she wanted him to let me know that they would still open their home to me if I chose to come. Are you kidding me? Is that supposed to be some kind of favor? As if they are the ones who have been wronged?!? I don't go over there because the thought of seeing them or stepping foot in that house ever again makes me sick, not because I am afraid that I'm not "allowed" there. But, the extent of their self-centeredness (don't know if that's really a word lol) never ceases to amaze me. Yesterday he made some comment about not wanting to move out because he thinks I am going to make him still pay some of the bills for the house. I assured him that I wanted nothing from him and not to worry about me or the house, please just go. Then he calls me in the middle of the day to tell me he loves me and wants things to work out. He is in such denial. I really think he cancelled everything to please his mommy and now that he realizes that means our relationship has to end he is terrified. He doesn't know what to do with himself and it is exhausting me. The damage has been done, I just want to move on now. Ugh. Sorry for the rant. I will keep you posted

Well chicadees.... It's official. My wedding and my marriage are off. It has taken me this long to be able to physically write the words and you are the first ones to officially here it. Not even the resort knows yet, but somehow I have been lucky enough to find friends in all of you. His family is absolutely the most evil, despicable (sp?) people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing and he is under their spell so I have to move on. I gave him back the ring a month ago and guess where he brought it??? Where else?? but to his mommy. A 31 year old grown man that never showed any signs of being a pathetic mamma's boy in the 4 years we have been together. I thought I was going to throw up. Apparently she was afraid if he left it in our house I would "steal" it. WHAT?!?!?!?! First of all, it's my ring that we paid for using our joint account, second of all I am the one that gave it back to him, and third of all how the HELL can I steal something that was given to me?? I didn't cancel the wedding... he did on account of me not forgiving his family for all the horrible things they did over a 9 month period. If I wanted the damn ring I think I should have it in order to pay back the people that lost money on trusting that we were getting married in St Lucia and loved us enough to actually book (unlike them). But I didn't even ask for that. She is such a sick B***h. Talk about the ultimate slap in the face. Now talk about the ultimate awkwardness... we still live together and function as a unit as we always have on a daily basis. We have decided that we are splitting up, but neither of us can really afford to leave at the moment so we just continue to function as best we can. Honestly our only fights even still are only when his family comes up. How sad to lose your marriage over exterior influences and not your own relationship. I wouldn't believe my own story if I wasn't living through it, but I just know I have to leave. I despise his family, but that doesn't nearly bother me as much as sitting across the table from the man I agreed to marry and watch him watch his family act like pieces of s**t and destroy us and still defend them. I believe once you choose to marry someone that they become the family you have chosen to protect before anyone else. I guess unless you are a closet momma's boy. I am just trying to be as strong as I can and make an effort to laugh more each day than I do cry. As long as I am doing that I know I will be ok. I have made a 6 month plan to move from Fl to the beach in NC near my best friend and cousin, which is halfway closer to my parents in PA. I think a fresh start will be just what I need. He doesn't know of this plan yet. We still need to divide the house/cars/bank/insurance and such. What a mess. Literally a full on divorce less the judge. What a confusing nightmare this is. I wish you all the very best in dealing with each of your situations. I pray I never read a similar post from any of you and only stories of progress and excitement... and amazingly perfect weddings!! Thank you so much for all your support along the way, your support has helped me more than you could ever know. This is one of the few places I never felt alone. Thank you so much ladies!

YES!! That's her!! The German Potato Soup chick!! She makes me the most angry!! I am just glad she isn't on more of the discs because she seriously makes me want to turn off the TV all together!!! Well,anyway... have a great time on your trip to Jamaica!! Such an awesome island

Don't let that discourage you! Honestly, although I also cannot do pull-ups (let's face it, most girls can't,despite how athletic we may be/have been), the system still works great. I did use the chair and still was able to kick my own butt. It's not like you are standing on it, just giving yourself leverage so you can control exactly how much resistance is appropriate for you at your given fitness level, which is the same for any of the workouts. Also, no matter how much of an athlete or how good of shape you start in, you would probably need the chair for some of them anyway, because they are not just standard pull-ups (like the "corncob" for instance, which is crazy). Just use the chair for only the ones you need and try to reduce it as you go, it's all progress just the same Good luck!!!

Ahahaha!!!! This seriously just made me crack up!! My FI and I started P90x last year for my bf's DW and got through about 6-8 weeks. We are going to start back up this week to prepare for our own now, which is about 7 months out. But, YES Drea drives me nuts, esp. that part with the "heel" comment. And Tony makes me want to throw up how annoyingly conceited he is. There is one other that drives me CRAZY... I want to say she is on the first disc,it almost sounds like she has an accent, but I think it is just her trying to talk like a little girl who really needs to learn to not talk with her mouth full, ugh I can't think of her name right now, but she makes me want to reach through the screen!! Well, either way, it is definitely the work out to get us all in great shape for the big day and my dress should be in any day now and I am sure NOT going to be getting fitted in the shape I am currently in... so here goes!!!! Good luck everybody!!!!

Candy LustyFire

Thanks so much to each of you!!!! I am trying to just take one day at a time right now, but all of your kind words always make it easier and keep things in perspective for me. When so many people tell you that you are wrong you start to question yourself, and yes, it totally feels like the twilight zone. But,I think that is all part of the manipulation, if everyone is against me then maybe they can try to convince Andy that I am the crazy one?!? It's like I am the evil one trying to destroy the family with my big evil DW and they are just trying to "save" their family. So ridiculous. I think they spent so many years creating good little brain-washed children that they don't want anyone to come in and "shine the light". It makes me sick to even have to think that about a family, but seriously, what choice have they left me? To answer some of your questions... yes, I truly am happy. He is my best friend and love of my life. When left to our own devices we are as close to perfect as any realtionship I have encountered. We have always had such a strong relationship. We see life the same, we view the world the same, and we share all of our dreams and goals (not trying to sound cheesy, but we really always have). Prior to our engagement we rarely ever argued and certainly never went to bed angry. We have never had even the slightest of trust issues. This is why this is all so hard to swallow. It is so out of character for us and it makes me so angry that a so-called family could inflict this much sadness, upsetment, and confusion on an otherwise very happy and excited engaged couple. I just think they should be so ashamed. And I will definitely NOT be changing my date or location. I have done quite enough compromising. We already lost time and money originally trying to do the big, local wedding... one wedding canceled. By the time we finally agreed on St Lucia I was so excited. I went back to the drawing board and my parents put down a lot of deposits for us and have already paid for their deposit and flights, which are non-refundable. My best friend and her husband are booked. Our invitations have been ordered and partially paid for. It is not fair for all the investments made by us and my family to need to once again be thrown away. How do they think that is fair to MY family? The family of the BRIDE no less?? We have already lost more money than it would cost them to attend, I am not going to do it a second time. Can you believe I priced out their trip the other day and (not at our resort, but a half mile away and over a 4 star resort, which we would also pay for their day pass the day of) for both flights and a 3 night stay was only $1300!! Are you kidding me?? We are arguing over $1300 when we gave you a year's notice and it is your son's wedding??? My parents paid more than that to come down for our engagement party from Pennsylvania!! And, were going to have to pay it again whether we got married here in FL or anywhere else. In fact, I even brought that up to his family... since I am the bride would it be unreasonable for me to require that I get married in my own home town? They said no, that would have been fine with them, that they would go to Philly if that's what I chose,because it would be cheaper and they could drive. Cheaper, really? Cheaper than $1300? Um, yea, don't think so. We have both flown and drove there multiple times and would have been lucky to spend less than $2000. Nice try people. So what really are we arguing about then? I have no idea... just the idea of control I think. It's my damn wedding and I shouldn't have to fight with anyone for "control". He and I are currently getting along really well and have not brought up the wedding since the upsetment of my first night back home. Just trying to feel some normalcey for a bit I think. But, let's face it, we need to address it. I am terrified to bring it up. He is being so stubborn and I don't want to bring it up prematurely and ruin our progress. If it comes down to it, as much as it will piss me off, I just feel like saying we will pay for their trip. But, honestly, I don't even know that that will fix it, because I don't think it is the money that is really the problem. I am sure they will decline anyway out of pride or something and then where will I be? Where will he be? Where will WE be? Everytime I think about my wedding I get excited and then I remember, oh yea, right now there is no wedding. If he thinks for one second that after all these years, everything we have been through, and me waiting for this engagement and wedding for my whole life that we can just go merrily along and just continue to play house with no marriage then he is out of his mind. I don't even think that is what he really wants. I just think he is being stubborn. He is so much better than this and I just pray that he comes to his senses and realizes that the back and forth needs to end. It is time to embrace our choice and to move forward without regret. I believe when people see that we are happy and confident they will stop trying to come in for the kill. Ugh. I think I am going to give things a few more days to really settle down before bringing it back up. I even considered just going over to his parents and telling them we would be paying for the trip,but with the way they manipulate things I am sure that would backfire too. Any advice would be great!!!! Thanks to you all for everything, as always. I'll keep you posted for sure. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!!!!

Ahhh!! SO excited for you!!! You are going to have such an amazing time!!! Enjoy every last minute of it... Can't wait to hear all about it and see your beautiful pictures!!! Don't worry about the weather... even when it does rain there it usually moves on pretty fast and it is gorgeous even when it rains so it's no big deal Safe travels!!!

Hey Ladies... this is officially the worst post I could have imagined. This last week has been the worst of my life, so bad I couldn't even bring myself to write until now. After my confrontation with his mom 2 weeks ago and with her apology I thought we were on the right track. Against my better judgement I allowed him to convince me last Sunday to go to his parent's for a "family" bbq. Despite my anxiety I went hoping that it would be a mark of a new beginning. His parents actually were fine, but his siblings... not so much. The second we walked in I knew something would happen due to his brother and his trashy gf deciding not even to turn around to say hello to us. I thought maybe I was being paranoid so I tried to engage her in some small talk at which point she deliberately refused to acknowledge my existence. Mind you, I have been in this family for four years now while she has been around for less than two and was married to someone else when she and his brother got together. Nice, right? She also just finally moved in with him less than 2 weeks ago... so I guess that qualifies her to be the family spokesperson? Anyway, I tried to ignore everything for the whole day and be peaceful. Finally, after dinner his sister (my supposed maid of honor) asks if we are allowed to bring up the wedding since no one on his side has done so in about 6 months... of course I said yes, I just hadn't wanted to upset anyone that didn't want to discuss it if it made them uncomfortable. She actually was really heartfelt and we started to make some progress, which obviously infuriated his brother's gf (she has opportunistically tried to "take my place" in the family since all the turmoil started... she didn't want to lose any ground I am sure) and she started chiming in about how we are awful people for planning a wedding where our nephew (a 1 year old baby, and no, not her baby) can't go. I am sorry, what is your name again? You have been around like 10 minutes and that ISN"T EVEN YOUR KID!!! But, I am sure she thought this would win her family points so she just kept running her disgusting mouth (and by the way, I even asked her to be a bridesmaid because I felt bad she would be the only one not included on our day... BIG MISTAKE). In any event, everything starts spiraling out of control. Apparently in his family logic is not a necessary part of a conversation because every time we had a valid point they would just say something outrageous. Well, after being circled around and attacked for about an hour my FI finally stood up to say that was enough and nearly had to get physical with his own brother, his "best man". It was only then I received a forced, fake, half-assed apology that somehow my FI thought I should just accept instantly. Seriously?? Anyway, everything blew up and I left the next day. I just got in the car and started driving. I ended up in a hotel in Georgia last Monday night and Tuesday continued the trip to my best friend's house in NC. I called him the following day and he was so livid with me. I wanted so badly for him to realize that I had had enough and had finally snapped, but he couldn't bring himself past his own anger. He expressed to my friend that he knew it was his family's fault, but when he talked to me he was just angry. Well, I spent 5 days there and found a pocket in the midst of hurricane Irene to try and make it home to figure out what was going on. I spent the whole week reflecting on what portions of this whole mess I needed to take responsibility for rather than just trying to feel sorry for myself. It seems us women are the only ones who really do that, because he didn't seem to have done that at all. It broke my heart. The coldness in his stare when I got home was so painful. He told me how much he loves me, but that our wedding "date" would not happen. He didn't want to leave me or us, but just that we would need to push back the date. That is ridiculous and I will not accept that. We will have been together 4 and a half years at that point with a joint home,finances, and responsibilites. I really believe his family has just destroyed any and all calm we once had as our own. They are among the most selfish childish people I have encountered and I never would have seen this coming in a million years. I am so heartbroken. We are getting along like we always have now, but I am terrified to bring back up our date. We are all full of laugh and love, because I am making a conscious effort not to be a nag and to try to remind him of the way we always were, but I am terrified. Our inviations are about to arrive and I am sure my dress is in but I am too afraid to even check my voicemail to hear that I need to come and pick it up. I just want my life back. I just think it is so convenient that they all have their relationships in perfect tact while they just try to ruin ours all because of deciding on a DW. I just feel like I am going to throw up I am so disgusted. Even if/when we work things out, how do I forgive his family for what they are trying to do? Especially when he is so desperate for their approval that he can't see how screwed up they are? Sorry for the long vent, it has been the week form hell. Thanks for listening.

Yes, you can do a flower petal aisle Each bag of petals are $75 if you want to buy them for tossing, etc., but they quoted me $300 for an actual "flower aisle". I am not sure if it will be as completely covered as that picture, but that should be a good starting point. If anything I am sure you could just tell them you want the aisle saturated and to charge you for the extra bags... but I would be careful writing them too much of a blank check, afterall once the petals are scattered who is to say how many bags they really had to use

That. Is. GORGEOUS!!! I love it!!!! Congrats to you on finally getting your dream dress!!!