KJT1985

Quote: Originally Posted by amandseth Sounds to me like your aunt is just using your cousins situation as an excuse. Likely, she has other reasons for not going, but doesn't want to disappoint you by making you feel like she can't make it a priority. So she has found an 'out' that doesn't place the responsibility directly on herself. People are often motivated by their emotions or lack thereof. And act in strange ways that can easily be misinterpreted or only seen for face value by those who fall victim to their actions. Recognize that you have no control over how others act/feel, but you do have control over how you accept/react to their actions/feelings. Sometimes you just have to step aside and choose not to be a part of someone's drama. I think this advice can be applied to your aunt as well as to the member who tore a strip off you earlier in the thread. As a human being you are entitled to feel. Your feelings are always valid, regardless of rationality. I think what you were looking for here was an outside perspective, not a chastizing. Focus on yourself, within this process, and not on how others are judging/dealing with it. You will have an amazing time, regardless. All that matters is that you and your groom get to the alter and say your vows. Everything else is just a story for the kids. Good luck and HAPPY planning! You guys are so wonderul! Yes, I was looking for "remember your fiance is the only important person" "there's nothing you can do so don't stress" "you'll still have fun" "sorry you don't feel like you matter" I really truly appreciate all the people who understand it's a rough blow and that I need help refocusing on what really matters.

Quote: Originally Posted by BachataBride Wow...intense thread!! I can see both sides. Yes...you are being selfish...but also, you are hurting because you are not getting the support from your family that you need either. I have a question, are you really close with this aunt? Do you have a bond with her that you don't have with your other aunts? No, i'm not anymore close with her than I am other aunts. I guess I had kinda put all my eggs in one basket with her. It's where all my hope was. Aside from my parents she's the only family I had who said they were coming - not even my own brother. My other aunt who was going to accompany her hadn't really made a big deal about the wedding and I only see her every 3 years or so. She isn't coming now because she has nobody to go with. So I guess by them not showing up I feel the disappointment of NOBODY caring enough to go. I know i'm lucky my parents are coming so I don't want to minimalize that... I just feel like nobody cares.

Quote: Originally Posted by classadiva I feel for you...and I actually think that some folks are being a bit TOO harsh on you. Reading some of these threads, it's often those that have already had their day...are already married and can look at it from a different perspective than those of us whom are in the throes of planning that are the harshest. I'm not saying this to call anyone out because I actually UNDERSTAND where they are coming from...I just think that some should TRY to look at things from the place of someone in the midst of planning their wedding. Remember how sensitve you might have been when in our position. JMHO and two cents. Are you being a bit selfish? I don't think it's so much being selfish as being disappointed. IMHO, you have every right to be. Your aunt's excuse sounds like nonsense and it sounds as if many were never really that supportive to begin with. You have every right to want your loved ones to be there for you and right now...at this place in time...you are upset...so what? You are human. As we all are. I would stop focusing on whether or not you are being selfish and try to get your mind set around the fact that no matter what...you are marrying the man that you love. In that way...you are luckier than many. All the best. You just made me cry at work. Words cannot express how appreciative I am for this post. I have tried so hard NOT to be selfish or to stress about this whole thing. You hit the nail on the head when you said i'm disappointed. I really really am. Two days ago I was so pumped for this and now i'm so sad. I'm sad because I don't have the support that I want. I'm hurt that my wedding can't be the perfect dream we all try so hard to make it. I'm hurt that I don't have a happy healthy family who would jump through hoops selflessly to make our day the best. It hurts because it's exactly what I try so hard to do for everyone else. Yet it doesn't seem like I can get it in return.

Quote: Originally Posted by CristiandJamie KJT1985, Everything will work out and I'm sorry that not everyone on this thread sees your point of view. Aren't you allowed to be selfish especially on your wedding day? Plus your cousin constantly messing up is really the selfish one and probably does it to get attention. I sometimes think that babying someone with an addiction is the worst thing you can do because they know you will give them attention if they screw up (over and over again)! I'm with you sister! Cristi Thank you so so much. Yes, I do think I get to be a bit selfish but I also think that I haven't really been that bad. I haven't demanded people be there and have been very accepting when people say they can't go. I totally accept that my uncle and his family need to stay home. I just don't like that my aunt says she'll be there and now thinks she needs to stay home when she's not actually doing anything to help the situation. Unless something drastically changed she'd maybe miss calling my uncle twice? And yeah, alot of it is for attention. If I thought her presence was going to make a difference for my uncle or my cousin I would demand she STAY HOME. But it's not the case. Even my mom is confused by her.

Quote: Originally Posted by carly I don't know, I think it's a bit of an overreaction. I know I was super disappointed when people didn't come to JA for my wedding too, so I understand it. But I can tell you that we had our immediate family (parents and siblings) along with a few aunts/cousins and a few friends to total 25 people and it was PERFECT. Whoever is missing once youa re there, won't be missed. But the part that confuses me is how you are saying that everyone else is being selfish, but you can't see your own selfishness. And I'm not even trying to be mean, since I was the same way planning my wedding. I coudln't understand why my wedding wasn't everyone else priority. But I don't understand how you can be mad at your cousin. He obviously has a problem and having his family support him is HUGE. My brother wasn't able to come to JA for my wedding b/c of similar issues and we def missed him, but we are just so happy to have him back to normal. It was worth him missing my wedding to have him straighten his life out. But by the same token that you say, you don't understand why your aunt would miss your wedding for your cousin, you can flip that coin and say why would you aunt not be there to support your cousin for your wedding? Having family support is important to BOTH. But sometimes as an addict, it's only the visible support that you can see. So maybe having his family with him is very important at this time. Quote: Originally Posted by DanielleNDerek I think your taking it way too personal. I would just focus on whose coming to your DW and be happy that you can spend time with them. I'm sure your aunts would rather be at your DW than worrying about your cousin. In regards to your cousin, i think it does sound pretty serious, i know you said he's just a pothead but you also said he has mental problems and ends up in an ER every few months, that sounds really bad and i can understand why your aunts are worried about your cousin and your cousin's father who isnt handling it that well. I would just let it go and if your aunts decide to come later than great, if not there's nothing you can do about it. When you get home you can show them all your great pics of your wedding and your vacation there and i'm sure they'll regret not being there. Thanks. This is the type of thing I need to hear. I guess I just want the supportive kind of family my fiance has. I feel bad that he has over 20 people coming and i've got my parents and one friend. Again, it's not about the number of people. Guess it just sucks to feel like you don't matter that much.

Quote: Originally Posted by carly I don't know, I think it's a bit of an overreaction. I know I was super disappointed when people didn't come to JA for my wedding too, so I understand it. But I can tell you that we had our immediate family (parents and siblings) along with a few aunts/cousins and a few friends to total 25 people and it was PERFECT. Whoever is missing once youa re there, won't be missed. But the part that confuses me is how you are saying that everyone else is being selfish, but you can't see your own selfishness. And I'm not even trying to be mean, since I was the same way planning my wedding. I coudln't understand why my wedding wasn't everyone else priority. But I don't understand how you can be mad at your cousin. He obviously has a problem and having his family support him is HUGE. My brother wasn't able to come to JA for my wedding b/c of similar issues and we def missed him, but we are just so happy to have him back to normal. It was worth him missing my wedding to have him straighten his life out. But by the same token that you say, you don't understand why your aunt would miss your wedding for your cousin, you can flip that coin and say why would you aunt not be there to support your cousin for your wedding? Having family support is important to BOTH. But sometimes as an addict, it's only the visible support that you can see. So maybe having his family with him is very important at this time. I get where you're coming from. I think it's also hard to convey the whole family dynamics in a setting like this. My aunt isn't actually actively doing anything to help my cousin which is why it's confusing. She doesn't make trips to see him or call him. If she does call him it's to lecture him - not in a loving, supportive "you can do this" way. So I'm just not sure WHAT it is that she thinks she could be contributing by staying home. I guess if she hadn't made such a big deal about it and laid the guilt trip on me I wouldn't mind as much. I also think it's because no matter what happens i'll be the one to blame. If she ends up staying it'll be my fault for having a destination wedding, if she doesn't book till a month ahead of time i'll have to hear about how expensive it was or how the resort was booked. It just puts me in a situation to have a guilt trip laid on me no matter what happens.

Quote: Originally Posted by bholthof No, you can't OD on pot - at least not like you can OD on other drugs. However, these days most pot is laced with other, harder drugs - hence why pot is called a gateway drug. And even though pot is a "naturally grown substance" rather than a chemical, its not exactly safe, either. Leaving aside the fact that it is a drug, the levels of THC(?) in pot are worse than those of cigarettes, which causes other problems. It sounds to me that your cousin and his parents are absolutely right about not wanting to make a decision right now. Your other aunt, on the other hand, very well could be just waffling. Although, if it was HER mother that just died recently - she may just not feel up to going. We are also currently experiencing some issues with family members. It totally sucks, but at the end of the day, if they aren't going to be there, then they aren't going to be there. But these are immediate family member in my case - brothers and parents. I don't expect ANY of my aunts and uncles to go. Take a breath - even if it was just you and your FI, it would still be a great day, right?? YES it would still be a great day. When we were there for the funeral she was talking about how much she needed a vacation because of my grandma and how hard they would try to be there so I got my hopes up which is making it worse I think. She's also been the type of person who needs to be the boss so I think maybe she feels like she needs to be around to handle things if something were to happen. I feel like it's really the waffling and emotional rollercoaster I've been put on. First, I don't think we can go. Then yes, we'll book as soon as your parents do. Now they won't. Yeah, I think most of us feel like he's doing more than just pot. I HATE that he's doing this to himself and it makes me so sad because he could have such a great life if he'd straighten up. He can really be a great person. I feel terrible for him and his family and think the best thing they can do is stay home and take care of him. I have NO problems with that would never expect anything else. I'm just not sure what my aunt expects to accomplish by staying home.

Quote: Originally Posted by barcelo1162010 You can't control who comes or not; just make the best of it with who is there. If you are having an AHR just tell the people that can't/don't want to make it that you will be having an AHR to celebrate with them when you get back. It's the best you can do! THANK YOU. Yes, we'll be having a reception afterwards. We also moved out of state away from all my family back in the summer so I was looking forward to getting to spend more than just an evening with them. I guess I just really don't like the back and forth and don't understand why my aunt needs to stay in town for her nephew. It's two months away and I just don't think you can live your life on IFs. She does live in the same town as my cousins parents (my cousin lives an hour away) but they aren't super close in that they don't even see each other once a week or anything.

Wow. Just, wow.

Also, you can't OD on pot. Which is the only drug we KNOW he's taking. I know this doesn't mean he's not taking others. He was managing to hold a job, pay rent and all until he ended up in the ER this week. I would NEVER be so selfish as to think he could be left completely alone and I matter more.

It's not his parents. They told me this summer they couldn't go and that's fine - TOTALLY understandable. Its our other aunt - my cousins AUNT. I thought I made that clear. But thanks for making me feel even worse.

I knew when we chose a destination wedding that a lot of people wouldn't be able to make it. It was something we acknowledged and accepted. Generally it doesn't bother me. Only when I hear excuses or people complaining because we're not making it convenient for them. My cousin has been having some issue with drugs and his mental state for about a year. My uncle told me this last summer that they didn't think they could go to the wedding because they didn't know what would be going on with my cousin or my grandma (who was in an assisted living place at the time and who my uncle visited every day). Ok, that's understandable and I counted them out. My dads two sisters said they were planning on going but not their families. For some reason they wanted to wait until my parents booked before they did. My one aunt laid the guilt trip on heavily because I'm the first grandkid to get married. Ends up, my grandma passed away a month and a half ago. So now my parents have booked. My mom got a call from my dads one sister saying that they don't think they can leave because of what's going on with my cousin (in and out of the ER this past week because of drugs). His dad is having a really hard time of it and isn't the most mentally stable person himself. While I feel terrible for the family and am concerned about both my cousin and uncle it really pisses me off. First, that my aunt (who's not my cousins mother) would make such a big deal about me being the first kid to get married, would lay the guilt trip on me, and then can't take 4 days vacation for me because my uncle isn't handling things well and my cousin has fucked up yet again?! I'm mad at my cousin for being so stupid and selfish to think that his actions don't affect other people. Don't they give a shit about me at all? Do I have to become a drug addict or mentally unstable to get some attention? It sucks so much that my grandma passed away and I don't even get the chance to have a picture with her in my wedding dress when we get home. Now all the family is bailing because my cousin is a dumbass. I guess part of my problem is also that my fiance's family has been SO supportive and excited. I have not heard a single negative thing from his side. Either they're all ecstatic and ready to go today or they just say they can't come - not this stupid excuses back and forth crap. The whole deal with my cousin isn't THAT serious either. Everybody knows he's a huge pothead and he's now on lithium for his mental health. He's been in rehab and every few months he ends up in the ER because he's gone a little kooky. I just can't believe that we're two months out and they think its too far in advance to book with what's going on with him. I also know that IF they finally decide to go and book a month ahead of time i'll never hear the end of how expensive it was. The resort isn't that big either so there's a good chance that it'll get filled this time of year. How can be people be so selfish?! I say that and I feel like i'm the one being selfish right now... :-(

Totally agree,that's why I had my replica made with the corset back. But that's also something a seamstress could take care of - replacing the zipper so I personally wouldn't focus too much on that aspect. Good luck finding your dream dress!

I was just looking for something exactly like this! Thanks, those are awesome!

Thanks! Ok, thanks to all you ladies i'm definitely skipping the necklace and just doing earrings. You are all so much help!! I don't think I'd ever decide on anything if it wasn't for you all. Haha

Great! thank you so much Carly!

Oops picts got moved.

Yeah one nice thing is really what i'm aiming for. Honestly, there's nowhere to cut back on the budget. We want REALLY low key and CHEAP because we're paying for this ourselves and just bought a house a few months ago. We're doing the free wedding package at the resort. We spent $10-15 on each of the guys shirts from TJ Maxx, bought fake flowers for $100 total that we're taking with us, aren't having a reception there (just dinner together at the buffet). I'm not taking centerpieces, decorations, or even a cake topper. And what else is there to pay for? My dress, shoes, veil and jewelry was all under $300. So there really just isn't anywhere to cut a couple hundred bucks from for something like that (even towels would add up!). I also think I have to negotiate with my fiance and give this up because he's crying about paying for the girls to get their hair done! We'll for sure be doing a welcome/thank you letter but past that I don't know... IF I had the money and it was totally up to me, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But alas! I must compromise...

Yeah, my future sister in law even order hers from the same seller because it was such a great deal. She got hers the day before I got mine and is happy with it as well.

Yup, it's a concern. I'm just going to try and wear it low or more on the back of my head and hopefully the wind is blowing in the right direction to keep it behind me. Haha. Securing it to the dress is a really good idea though. Maybe somebody could put a small stitch in after you're dressed. Or get some clear double sided tape?

Here's mine from an ebay seller (Venus Veils) (probably not how i'm wearing my hair) Best of all it was only $16 with shipping!! Headband not included.

Well....AD3300 is VERY similar to Lavina by Maggie. The major differences are the corset back and the rhinestone scatter below the waist (and the cut of the dress at the waist on the back). I tried Lavina on in a store and fell in LOVE with it! It was $1200 though so I ordered a replica from China. Here's a pict of me in the real thing though. There's also another bride who posted pictures of her in her Lavina in the the "show me your dress" thread here: http://bestdestinationwedding.com/fo...ml#post1052290

Yeah, I figured we'd have to do around 25 of them. One per couple and then there's a few situations where the two people in a room are NOT a couple so i'd give them one each (some people taking roommates or cousins or fiance's brother and sister are sharing a room).

I order my veil on ebay because this aspect wasn't really important to me (got talked into one by family). Bridal stores charge a ridiculous amount for those things. I payed $16 including shipping and it's really great. My ONLY criticism of the seller is that they send you a million emails (I know, I shouldn't complain). I probably got 5 just telling me they had shipped it! Haha Oh well, i'm really happy with the whole thing! It's two tiered with a thin ribbon edging, metal comb and rhinestones scattered on the veil. eBay Store - Venus Veils: Bridal Tiaras, White, Ivory (headband not included)

Wow I'm so sorry. It really sucks but many times the people closest to you will be the worst about feeling like their opinion is more important than yours. Stick to your guns! Maybe your dad thinks this is a crazy whim and that you won't really go through with it (since it's a little far off). Maybe he's hoping that by not buying into it you'll change your mind or that you can't really be that serious. A destination wedding really IS a bit more inconvenient for guests but its SO much more fun as well! My brother isn't coming and it really hurts but I LOVE how excited the other guests are getting. I LOVE thinking about the memories we'll create. Because this same group of people will NEVER all be on vacation together again. This truly is a once in a lifetime chance. Make sure your dad knows how serious you are. I'm sure eventually he'll realize that he'd regret not going and will change his tune. Until then, stay positive! You've got plenty of time!