I too was married for the 2nd time to Paul. It is soooo different from the first time. The first time you're caught up in all the "wedding drama" and stuff that comes with it. The 2nd time ... you know what it really means, what you're really doing. Not that i didn't the first time, I did, I just, well, I guess I wasn't ready. I too blame myself for the failure of my 1st marriage. that's a lot of weight to bear. i know that i am happy now, as is my ex, so i tell myself it's all for the better. but the "what ifs" are always there!
all i can do is love paul as best I can, and do everything in my power to make this work. and i will. and so will you. things do happen for a reason. you're where you should be now. be thankful for that!
as for your dad - i can't imagine - it's the biggest fear i have, losing a parent. i thankfully still have both with me. but your dad is with you - he's probably talking to you, just not physically but spiritually. he'll always be with you!
and you can talk to us at any time, about anything!