A10CalGal

Quote: Originally Posted by yari2566 Good for you telling your recruiter! I hope this job turns out to be great for you. Thanks for bringing this back up Yari. I've been burning a hole in my brain thinking this over...this email response I sent to my recruiter sums it up: Thanks Hillari. I've been thinking about this alot. I realized after I talked to you today that I hadn't actually verbalized any of that until I talked to you (it took a while to process). I am going to give it some thought over night & call you tomorrow. Overall, I am just fundamentally against the type of policy this company is utilizing. I understand why they do it, I just don't agree with it. I feel torn because this is a great opportunity on paper. I just wish I would have know everything going in. I need to remember that my primary goal with this job hunt is to find the right place for me. I have a sinking feeling that the "right place" does not involve a place that employs policies that conflict with my core beliefs and values. Anyway, that's where my head is right now. I will continue to torture myself mentally like I do over things like this and I will call you tomorrow. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, basically, I don't know if I can work for a place that feels comfortable and justified invading my privacy and my body with no valid justification (in my mind). It's unfortunate that I didn't find this out before accepting a job offer, but it is still relevant information. I have weighed the cost of compromising my values against the benefit of the job & I'm thinking it's just not worth compromising my values. I do not want to work for a company that presumes guilt in their employees without any reasonable suspicion based facts. I have lots of other options...

What a pain in the ass! 12 weeks is 3 months....that would be in January. Crap! So, you want red. What else do you want? Poufy, sparkly, sleeves, strapless, etc. Give us some more clues & we can help you search!

Quote: Originally Posted by BrittneyD My mom is back home. She said that she went on a vacation from her life. She said she was not ready to talk about it, but she would be ready soon. We are supposed to get together again this weekend, so hopefully that will happen so that we will really have a chance to talk. She says ddhe feels better, but I am still not sure what is going on. Hopefully she will be able to open up to me. I will let you guys know how it goes. Oh Brittney...I'm glad you heard from her & know she is ok. It does sound like some serious stuff is going on here. I wish you the best in dealing with this. Keep us posted.

Quote: Originally Posted by MikkiStreak Has Rafael ever given you specifics on when he feels he's giving in to his guilt? At this point, he is not admitting to responding to guilt. So, no specifics. Like, if Richard says/does <this>, then I'm likely to feel bad and respond like <this> even if it's not for the best? Is it possible Rafael could identify situations when guilt might cloud his normal judgement, and if so, then come up with some plan between the two of you where you lead him back toward rational parenting? I would love it if we could do this! I would feel less like an outsider suffering from the effects of all of this shit. Trying to overcome guilt is a hard thing for anyone to do-- is it possible that you and Rafael can define what he needs from you in those moments so that it encourages him in the right direction and also helps minimize the impact all this has on the two of you? Again, very much my style. Your words are helpful...I think I can use them to start another dialogue. Thank you!! When I think about situations with Frank and I, there are times when I've flat out told him---- when Audrey says this, I just want to come unglued and that's when I need you to do <this>.... kind of like 'predictive parenting'... I can sometimes recognize my weakness'es and that allows me to give specific tasks to Frank so that the two of us are still strong but also diffuses the environment more overall... Love you Maria! Thank you so much for helping me through this.

That's too bad, but yeah, $200 is a lot. I'm guessing the money goes toward a dog fostering charit fund or something? Nonetheless, very cool stuff!

Quote: Originally Posted by trisha0612 No, she walked up, grabbed his face and turned him and just planted a gross one on his mouth..he pulled away b/c he felt completely awkward. I'm not over reacting either..it wasn't just like "MUAH" I love you..it was like....WIERD!!!!! Dude, that is really freaky. What is wrong with her?

That is so neat! Do you get to have a copy?

Exactly Maria. I am so confused with all of this because Rafael has always been about preparing Richard for pending adult hood - instilling responsibility and accountability. Now all of the sudden there is this flip. He even said last night that I am responding to him doing something different one day than he said he would do several days before - YES, EXACTLY!! I am confused by inconsistency. And the plum part of all of this is Richard gets to see & hear all of this going on (an apartment definitely doesn't make for holding private conversations), which probably pleases him in some weird way that he's creating conflict/controversy in our relationship. ACK!

Quote: Originally Posted by Lizzy Well, I don't think counseling will hurt. I do think that Rafael is going to hear some things he doesn't want to hear or actions he does not want to take. But that happens in any type of counceling. Would it be so horrible for the young man to go back to his mom? It would be horrible for Rafael. It would really break his heart & make both of us sad. You and R haven't even had time to adjust to being married! Whether he is coddled or not, he will still want to get his own way. Did you know he would be living with you b4 you got married? Yes, I knew it. We all lived together for almost a year before the wedding. And it worked out pretty darn well. I think since we've moved to Washington & are living in an apartment & we've all made sacrifices of some type things have gotten "sensitive." I mean, it is going to take a long time for the kid to learn that manipulation and threats aren't going to work anymore, especiall after they have worked for 16 years! I certainly do not mean that you can throw the boy aside because he is causing turmoil at home, but jeeze, you cannot let him get betwee you and R. Maybe you should start making some phone calls and see what kind of help is out there for all of you. I have a question for you, if riding the bus to school is so not cool, why is having a stepmonster drive you to school, when you are16, cool? My kids would have died first! Just wondering... You know, I have no idea!! That is a great question. I guess cars are cooler than buses in general. My mom put it perfectly in her email to me this morning: Hi again - Great. I can understand Rafael's wanting to "finesse" the bus issue if it means you've got until Friday to get used to it or make other arrangements, but that's the only way it would work for me. I don't think you need to figure out how to be any more supportive than you already have been. After all, who's taken his sorry ass to school, and for how long now? Who decided not to bother to prepare for and pass the driver's test, and for how many months now?? I think you can express to both R & R that you're sorry they are in this pickle, but realistically, what are the options? Pick one, act on it, go on with life. I also think you're entitled to back away from it. You've put more than a fair share of energy into this getting to school business. Yuck. I guess I have my mom to thank for my no-nonsense attitude

Thank you for sharing. It really does help to hear other peoples perspectives. So, I am emotionally exhausted today. We had a really not-good evening last night. Despite my attempt to talk reasonably to my husband about why I was so pissed about yesterday morning, he just couldn't get it. He just didn't understand why "I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you" wasn't enough. Then he says I'm calling him a liar by not just accepting that statement. He went so far as to say " I don't even know what you do all day, it's not like you have to be at work." That really pissed me off. Talk about a cheap shot. Anyway, we did the "i'm silently pissed at you" routine up until dinner. Can I just say how much I hate that routine? Totally not my style. After dinner I tried again, and here's what I find out: I am being insensitive and harsh in my expectation that the boy just get on the bus & ride it. I do not understand all of the things he has been through. He has never had to ride the bus. He is a junior. This is a pride thing for him. This is a big deal, and although nobody told me it is a big deal, I should have known (you know my super power mind reading skills and all). We have to treat the situation gently. I am more sensitive to our animals than I am to the child. Yeah. cool. I made the suggestion to Rafael that he is coddling the boy over what should be a really cut & dry situation, and I think he is doing it out of guilt. He denies my theory, yet everything that he is saying screams "GUILT" to me. He can't see it. I ask why he let Richard stay home from school - he says because he was tired and sore. What? I did not say this, but he is doing exactly what his ex-wife does with their youngest son that pisses him off so much - coddling him, making things nice for him when he should just suck it up & do his job, which is going to school. I think I've finally hit that step-parenting sucks wall. How do I support my husband and live in harmony when I whole heartedly disagree with how he is handling this situation? I know, I am not a parent. I have not been divorced. I do not know how this feels for him. I can see he has a lot of guilt, and he is allowing it to influence his parenting decisions in a really odd way right now. I can also say that I am a child of divorce. My mom expected a lot from me in terms of figuring out how to be where I needed to be, getting good grades, being a good person, helping around the house. I was sad that I didn't have a father in my life, that impacted me for a long time. Yet, I did not need to be disabled in my development by having my mother coddle me. She turned out a very capable, responsible, productive person in me...and for that I am very thankful. So, yes, I know what it feels like to be a child of divorce. I also know what I'm seeing & it scares me. I've seen other step parents go thru this - where it ruins their relationship because they disagree with how their spouse is parenting. I really don't want that to be us. I'm pretty sure counseling is in order here.

Quote: Originally Posted by akh Christa - when did you change your screen name? I was so confused for a second! Keeping you on your toes! I just realized how many points I have & decided to do something constructive with them. I just did it a few hours ago.

LOL!!! Dear Kate, Yes, call Christa soon. She is on the verge of losing her mind. She might even smoke some pot soon if she wasn't afraid the man was gonna come & get her over it. AND - YES, POST PICS OF THE BACH PARTY GIRL!! I've been meaning to bug you about that, but I figured you've been sick so I gave you a break!

Here are some pics of my very simple table ( I did one large table for everyone). I rented the votive holders & vases from my WC, bought the flowers direct from a florist & just had them deliver cut stems. I brought the votive candles & chair ties with me.

I love your inspiration photo - they are going to be a lot of work, but will look awesome!! PS, what does the mmm at the top of your invite mean??

Loving this...need this right now... Dear husband, Get your head out of your ass. If you are pissed about something, talk about it. But do not insult me with the comments you just made like: "why should I feel bad about forgetting to tell you not to get up & take Richard to school this morning when I don't even know what you do all day." You don't know what I do all day? Really. Well let me tell you, I get up & take your dog for a walk and then I take your son to school at 7:00 in the morning. Once I get done battling the traffic that makes the round trip take a full hour (it's only 14 miles r/t), I come home & do all the dishes that are left in the kitchen. Then I switch the laundry around. Then I go to the gym & work out so I can continue to impress you with my fine taught ass. Then I take a shower. Then I dress, do my make up & hair so I can look fantastic for you when you come home (ok, it's mostly for me). Then I search through your craptastic boxes looking for your W2's for the last 2 years because we need them to get a fricking mortgage. Then I talk to the 2 mortgage brokers I have working on our stuff & ask intelligent questions so we can get a good deal. Then I go online & do remote work for my former employer so I can still make money. Then it's time for you to come home, whence I am the sweet supportive caring wife who asks you how your day was & rub your feet. Then I cook you dinner. I think you get the point. Like I said, DH, get your head out of your ass.

I can understand your frustration w/your mom - $2K vs $1K...however, you should definitely be thrilled that you are getting a contribution. I paid for it all myself & never considered asking for $$ from my mom. Maybe your relationship is different, so this may not apply.

Quote: Originally Posted by mhoudek Thanks so much Amanda. What is the place that quoted you the $12,500 called? Sunset? I'm going to talk to the guy at Cabo Surf right now to see what he says. Does anyone know what other hotels are near it? I already have a few complaints about people who wouldn't want to share rooms. So I would need another option for them! Amanda was talking about Sunset Da Mona Lisa I'm pretty sure. I got married at the Cabo Surf hotel, and there are a lot of condos nearby. Several of my guests booked condos thru ..VRBO® is Vacation Rentals by Owner® Vacation Homes Rentals by Owner - basically owners are renting out their places. You can get really good deals

Wow, great tactic Maria! Really great! Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I tend to be the "voice of reason" around here, which is kind of crazy, but if I compose myself & have a relevant conversation with Rafael outside of the "i'm pissed" paramenter, we should make some progress.

and... Dear Self, Talk to your husband & stop being angry toward a 16 year old boy! Get it together.

Dear Seattle, I know I'm new here & you want to show me what you've got in store for me weather wise. But, serioulsy, maybe let up on the rain for a day? Please.

Oh wow Maria, I knew I could count on you to chime in & make me think! I totally agree with what you are offering up here. You are right, I shouldn't be mad at Richard, but I have to be honest & say that I am. And again, you are right, it is definitely displaced anger. That is exactly why I try my hardest to communicate honestly & immediately with Rafael when stuff like this bothers me. Generally speaking that works pretty well since he is not one to open up on his own & discuss things. So, if I open the conversation with what's bothering me, I generally get to hear what's on his mind. That was probably redundant. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is when I feel this anger/resentment (i.e. the title of this post!) I take it upon myself to address the issue with him rather than hold it in. So, I guess what will happen is that we will have a lengthy chat this afternoon when he gets home from work - based off of my initial attempt to explain why I was pissed this morning. Regarding the driving - it would benefit us because then we wouldn't have to shuttle him around all the time (not just to/from school, but after football practice, etc). Also, once our home is built, we will be further away from school & there will be no bus option, so he's going to HAVE to drive.

Well, I decided to let my recruiter know about how this all went down & how I didn't appreciate not having full disclosure prior to accepting this job offer. She was shocked about the whole thing. She had no idea their pre-screen was this extensive & did not know the whole thing about ongoing random testing. She was appologetic and is now concerned about whether or not I will be happy in this job. As I was describing all of this to her I found myself getting pretty aggitated mentally by the whole thing. I am just really not happy about going into this whole thing blind, bottom line.

Very tempting idea Jen! I've definitely thought of that before, but then I remembered I'm supposed to be an adult. Dang, that sucks!

Quote: Originally Posted by IrieBride08 It sounds like he's manipulating the situation (his father's guilt). I hate that, but it's so common! Where's the Super Nanny when we need her! LOL!! Seriously, DH needs some help to not feel guilty. Setting boundaries for Richard is what he needs. I think the consistency will do him good. All this is easier said than done. My FI has a disabled daughter and he lets her get away with craziness and will blame her disability. The thing is, despite it, she has a LOT of sense and is very manipulative with her father. I'm the only one that will put her in her place--which is hard cuz I'm the step parent. I completely feel you with this situation! I love you! Thank you for sharing, and understanding the tough position of being a step-mother. DH and I have def had conversations about how he needs to let go of this guilt. He recognizes it, but he is clearly having trouble being consistent. I asked him if he thought counseling would help. He thought it might. It really sucks to see all this go on, it's horrible. Even worse, his younger son that lives with his mom is on a serious down hill slide - eighth grade and he has 3 F's and a D already...no expectations at home. He is going to grow up to be a dependent mama's boy. God help us.

You wanna call & lecture the boys for me? Richard is totally in that everything last minute phase - homework, laundry, getting up, everything. I suppose that's normal to a degree. But definitely I am starting to get resentful because we are busting our asses to make stuff happen here, and he's just being an ungrateful little sh*t!