Any tips in terms of dealing with parents who make you feel guilty for having a destination wedding?

[ThatsRanunculus]

Neither my fiance's parents nor mine are contributing to the wedding.  We just wanted close friends and family to come with us on our destination wedding to Kauai.  Yesterday, my mother and I spoke on the phone where she interrogated me about our budget and told us me to consider how much she, my father and my sister will have to pay to come to our wedding.  

 

My fiance and I had considered the costs for our guests, but figured that those who could afford it would come, and those who can't won't.  He couldn't celebrate after law school, and I can't celebrate after grad school - and so we wanted to have our wedding someplace special as our reward.  My mother's words were pointed and hurtful and now I feel like I've been given the ultimatum that either we have our wedding closer to where they are or no one from my family will come.  

[jlarruda]

After years from now, are you going to be happy looking at your wedding pictures and knowing that you didn't have your wedding where you both wanted it?  My fiance and I both decided on our destination wedding.. and maybe people haven't come out and said it, but we've only had one person question our destination wedding.. and it was a person he wasn't even planning to invite (his mother, they've never had a close relationship).  I just found it ironic that the only person to complain, was the one person we weren't planning on inviting, but invited her because it is in fact his mother.  I think the people you want there and who want to be there.. will mean everything.  I know at times I've second guessed our decision.. but then I think about how all my friends weddings are so similar and I want ours to stand out and reflect our personalities.  Hope your wedding planning looks up.. you shouldn't feel like you're making a bad decision.. the way I see it, what if you change your wedding for another person.. and then they don't come for whatever reason.. at the end of the day, you have to do what makes you both happy.

[mandys]

This is a difficult situation. I understand that sometimes there are people that cannot attend your wedding, but when parents are unable to attend then maybe you should really sit down and weigh things out. From the information you have given, and if I were in your shoes I think I would reconsider the Destination Wedding and do it locally. Just make sure you go somewhere amazing for your honeymoon. Goodluck.

[royalbride610]

Well, everybody in our families was not happy about us having a destination wedding... We heard every excuse - it costs to much, what if we dont want a vacation in Mexico, the whole family can't come, blah blah blah.  I was a little disappointed at first when I found out that nobody was coming, but it's not about them.  Family is important to us, but we are only marrying each other and what's important is that we're happy. 

 

So, if YOU and you Fiance are happy about having the wedding that you want, then don't let anybody guilt trip you!!  If nobody comes, it'll still be romantic with just the two of you, and if they do than thats great!

[MDLady]

I think you will find a lot of support and advice on this topic here.  This is a very common and painful situation which I think many destination brides have to deal with (who would have thought a wedding in paradise would not sound appealing to the families?!?!?)

 

I had to deal with this from my side of the family for months before the wedding.  Even with a very solid reason for why our wedding had to be on the island, I was constantly questioned about it and complained to.  My FI and I both really wanted a beach wedding and since his family is from South America, the Caribbean was perfect!!!  My Mom and 2 aunts would NOT leave it alone and constantly questioned me whether people would travel so far and how hot it was gonna be and how this and how that.  They told me that nobody will come.  They told me that it is rude and inconsiderate to expect people to spend so much money.  And etc etc.  And all of them go on vacation to the Caribbean at least once a year!!!!  I cried over it many times and went back and forth for a couple of weeks, even looked at local places which I could NOT get excited about (a wedding in the U.S. would also mean not much family from my FI's side would be able to attend since it's so far away and so expensive, plus visa hassles).  Finally my now husband put me out of my misery and just said that we are going to do what will make us happy and if someone cannot come, so be it.  It's not like our families could NOT come, they were just complaining and since they have never been to a destination wedding before, had no idea why we were doing something so unorthodox.

 

Fastforward to the wedding, everyone had a good time.  Yes, it was hot (which I like).  Yes, it was pricey.  One of my aunts totally ate her words and keeps talking about how we need to do a reunion for our anniversary since she had so much fun.

 

The bottom line is that if your family CANNOT travel then you might want to reconsider.  But if they are just giving you a hard time and do not understand but they CAN come, then do what you guys want to.  It's your wedding after all.  And there will always be someone who will complain.

[soon2bmrspierce]

If you can have the wedding local with no regrets,then do it locally...My mom had said similar things to me but I know I will regret it if I can't get married on a tropical island. I just picture it being the perfect moment even if it was just us. I know it hurts and bothers you more because it comes from your mother(b/c it hurt me) but it comes with the destination wedding,Not everyone can come and that's ok....It's OUR day!

[AfricanVenus]

You have a unique situation where your parents may not be coming. If you're not close to them, then it's not an issue. But what if you are close? That'll hurt and weddings are in a sense about bringing families together. I agree that you should sit down and weigh the pros and cons. Maybe you'll have to help your mom out financially to come. Maybe you should do Kauai for your honeymoon. I'm not dissuading you from a DW. However I think a lot of thought should go into it. I've learned that throughout this whole process. Feelings get hurt pretty easily. It's easy to say, "Whoever'll come, will come if they love you" or something similar. It's not always that simple though. Go over everything with your FI and figure out what will work best for you. Yea, you wanna look back on your day and remember you did it your way. But you also wanna look back and know you shared it with those you wanted there. Hope this helps!

[vlynnw]

I delt with this form day 1.  My parents insisted that I was putting a burden on our guests with travel costs and what not.  My father kept telling me they would not be going.  I started looking at every location possible that they may feel better about but in the end we stuck to our original plan.  FI and I knew what we wanted and we didn't change it.  Well 5 weeks from my wedding and my parents are booked and set to go.  My bff who also had a DW experienced the same thing with her parents they refused to go in the beginning but the closer the wedding gets they end up changing their minds.

 

I'm not sure about your specific relationship with your parents but I think if you really stick to what it is that you and your FI want and are ok with the chance that they may not come in the end....when it gets closer they may surprise you. 

[traceysteve]

Many great points, if you really want a DW, then you should do it. If you think it may really be a financial burden on your parents, then maybe you should consider somewhere else, but still go to Kauai immediately after. I'm all for the beach wedding, so don't get me wrong, but you don't want your big day to turn into someone else's burden. It's time to sit down and have a chat...good luck and keep us posted.

[skp1]

Just do it - it's your wedding so its your choice.  Forget about what any guests say - how many weddings have you been to that you were not happy about?  It might have been less expensive, but it was still you do something for them.  I'm sure no one consulted you or asked your opinion when they made their plans.  Now it's your turn.

 

Having close family guilt you is another story.  But you have to stick by your guns.  If this is something you want (and sounds liek you deserve!), then do it.  You will always regret it if you don't and worse yet you will resent your parents for taking this away from you.  Their disappointment right now is short lived, but your disappointment will be forever.  Anyway, I'm speaking from first hand experience - about 5 months after I planned my Bahamas wedding my mom told me she can't go and in every conversation i hear about "if only you were having it here...".  I feel terrible but ultimately know I would be so miserable if I was forced to get married in my mom's hometown.  And I would hold it against her and that would ruin our relationship.  I'm sad she won't be there, but know I'm doing the right thing.