A bad friend????

I've found myself in a pickle! So, I'm hoping to get some advice from you ladies.

I have known this friend for 20 years now. We have gone different ways in life but always kept in touch and made sure we knew what was going on in each others lives. When I moved away and she'd come to Toronto on business we always got together. I moved home a few years ago and even though we still didn't see each other alot - I considered this girl to be one of my very best friends.

So, we both end up engaged and I just assumed we'd be in each other's weddings. WRONG. I was crushed when she told me who was in her bridal party and I wasn't one of them. And, I had to ask who she was having because I figured if she was going to ask me...she would have done it by that time. So, I didn't bother asking her to be in mine. Eventually - I came to feel like I wasn't going to get invited to her shower or stagette because I don't roll with her very clicky crowd of friends. But, don't people usually ask the bride who they should invite to these things?? My peeps have asked me who I want included. I waited and waited and realized I wasn't invited because her wedding date was getting closer. So, in my mind - if I'm not good enough to share in her wedding shower and stagette (two events that you normally want to share with your good friends), then why should I even go to the wedding. So, I made up some story about going to another wedding and not being able to get out of it because it was for a family member or my fiance's. Maybe it was wrong to lie...but, I'm just so crushed. I really thought we were great friends. She never mentioned anything about her shower...I finally saw a picture on facebook and sent her a message about how bummed I was to not be going to the wedding, but I could still go to her shower and stagette. She didn't even mention that she already had the shower...until I asked if the picture was from the shower. That's when she finally said that me not being invited was just an oversight and that she'd rather go to dinner with me...just me...so we could catch up. She didn't like the attention. But, all of her other friends were there. And, she actually had the nerve to tell me not to be upset and that I better not exclude her from my shower. Then her stagette rolled around....I had the pleasure of seeing those pictures - looked like fun...unfortunately I wasn't invited to that either! Her wedding day arrives and I felt so bummed to not see her get married. Again, saw pictures....and she was stunning and it looked like alot of fun. I have yet to congratulate her or even acknowledge that she got married. Just yesterday I got a message from her asking where I have been...and she hasn't heard from me in awhile. Please fill me in, LOVE her name. What LOVE? I don't get it. I don't feel like a very loved friend.

I'm at a point in my life where I want to surround myself with good, caring people. I've never had much luck with girlfriends. That's why I don't have alot of them. I really valued her friendship and I thought we had the kind of relationship that didn't require phone calls everyday, hanging out every weekend, etc. I can't stand clingy people, nor could she. So, I thought we had a great friendship that would last until we were old. But, this is a pretty major event in her life that she did not include me in...and had the balls to tell me to not be upset. Like what she did is supposed to make me feel good?! So, basically - do I respond to her email or just ignore it and be done with it??

I wouldn't totally drop her out of your life, but I'd definitely drop the friendship down quite a few levels. It sounds more like you're acquaintances. This happened with my best friend since first grade a few years ago. There was a big falling out that we've since worked out, but our relatinoship was definitely different after that. It's no big deal, we're just different now from who we used to be. There's no animosity between us or anything, and when we see each other it's nice to catch up a little, but I'm not going to call her up on Friday night to go out to dinner.

Your relationship sounds very similar.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. That really sucks that you guys aren't on the same page. Friendship needs to be a 2 way street and not 1 sided...

If it were me, I know I couldn't just not say anything or it would eat me up forever. I would just assume that it is not worth fighting for but let her know how you are feeling and leave the ball in her court. You've tried and she is not responding to your idea (or a typical idea) of what a FRIEND is.

Good luck, I hope she comes to her senses and realizes what a crappy friend she's been and you guys can salvage your friendship.

Honestly, in my opinion, I think you should call her up and lay it all out on the table.

I would explain to her exactly what you explained to us and how you felt.

If you feel better sending it through an e-mail then do that, but either way I think the only way to either move on or move through something like this is to let the other person know how this has affected you.

I feel for you though and I would have felt the same way in that situation!!

I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do!! :-)

Thanks for all of your input. I really appreciate any advice that is given. This whole thing has my stomach in knots. I just don't understand some people. Keep it coming!!

I have been in friendships like that before, too. I thought a girl was my best friend in high school, and I did a ton for her , but never got it in return. I had to cut ties, and I think you should, too. Keep her as an acquaintance, but I wouldn't waste anymore effort on her.

I agree with PhillyBride. I'd call her or email, whichever is more comfortable for you, and lay it all out on the table. She may not have been intentionally trying to be a bad friend. It honestly just sounds like you guys don't view your friendship the same and I think it might be best to talk about that; especially since you guys have been friends for so long AND she's expecting to be invited to your shower, wedding, etc.

I'm sorry you're hurting, and have been in similar situations...I think communication is key, and she may have no idea how it is all making you feel. It would probably be easier to type it all out in an email and to just let her know how hurt you are. I think not saying anything will tear you up more than just letting it out. Good luck!

Update.

Thanks to all who responded. It really helps to read all of your feedback.

She did end up messaging me on facebook and she acted like everything was fine. However, she was extra nice...so, she knows she was in the wrong. I politely responded to her (hoping she would go away). Unfortunately she kept the messages going. Even offering to help with my upcoming wedding. At which point I stopped responding and haven't heard back....but, I'm sure she'll send me another message at some point. Little does she realize - WE'RE BREAKING UP! Friendships really are like any other relationship. People change and sometimes you have to go your seperate ways, especially when you appreciate that person more than they appreciate you! Done and done!

Thanks girls!

what was that? You and your FI are breaking up?? If so I am sorry to hear that