An unwelcomed guest I invited...

Hello all,

 

I know there are a lot of people who have posted their dilemmas reguarding guests and they have received a lot of responses. I'm hoping you all will share your responses with this doozy...

 

I am not close with my dad AT ALL, we speak MAYBE once a year (if at all). Last year I saw him at my sister's wedding and overheard him saying negative things about me to my sister's husband's family. I sent him a save the date magnet ONLY because 1)I thought for sure he wouldn't come and 2) my siblings probably would have wreaked havic on me if I didn't.... well I HEARD (again, shows the communication between him and I) that he is planning on coming!! I gave until December 20th for guests to RSVP (so we can pass the list on to the travel agent and for deposits).

 

Gals... what should I do? He would in no way be a part of the wedding and I have immense fear that he will bash me at my own wedding to my FI's family. Also, there is no one from his side of the family that is invited (they are all in Germany), so he would be like an outcast, since my family (other than 2 of my brothers and my sister) does not communicate with him. Please help!

Personally, I'm a very upfront person. If it were me I would call him and let him know what you overheard. Then tell him that you really want him at your wedding, but it's immensely important to you that he be supportive of you during this time, and that is why you invited him. Then let the chips fall where they may. He'll either realize that what he did was shameful and hopefully show up with a better attitude, or realize the bad attitude isn't welcome and probably decide not to come.

First off, I can't believe he was talking about you to your BIL's family. Wow!

 

I sure would not let it stress you until you know forsure he is coming. After that, maybe you can call him and make sure he knows it's YOUR day, there will not be many people there for him to hang out with, and you just want to make sure he knows there will be no drama....that's a touch one.

I don't think any of us can tell you what to do. You need to decide that for yourself.

 

I think that even though you thought he wouldn't attend, when you put that offer (invitation) out there you need to accept the possibilty that whoever it is may actually come. I can understand why you wouldn't want him there, but if you truly had absolutely no desire for him to attend, you wouldn't have given him a STD... pressure from sisters or not.

 

Because you haven't heard directly from him that he is coming, as of right now it's all rumor. You can either call him yourself and express your feelings to him about his possible presence at the wedding, or you can let the anxiety of it all get to you (which would probably make things worse).

 

You stated the worst that can happen in your eyes... that he will bash you at the wedding. But the best that can happen is that he doesn't bash you and instead respects that this is your wedding day and attempts to repair your relationship. But until you talk to him directly the anxiety of "what if" is going to be there.

 

Good luck! I hope it all works out.

I know! It shocked me too when I heard him talking about him and all I could do was get up and go to the bathroom. I was at the head table so his loud voice definitely travelled. It just shows what I am up against though. I can only imagine what he would say as I'm walking down the isle and he's not the one walking me down. But, why would i have him walk me down when he has never been there for me?! I think you're right though, I shouldn't stress until I know for sure whether he's coming or not. It's hard though because technically I won't know for sure until December 20th! Oh dear....

Well what I would do probably isn't the right way to handle it. So take from this what you will.

 

I wouldn't have sent him one in the first place, would have pulled him to one side at my sisters wedding and warned him any more of that crap and i'd kick him in the nuts!! lol

 

However as you did send the STD I'd call him and say look i sent it because I felt I had to. You aren't invited - you slag me off at every opportunity and I know you were having a go at my sister's wedding so you are once again not invited. Hang up and not contact him again.

 

Thing is if your sibling do have contact you may get some grief for that approach. Decide what you really want and if its him not there tell him and tell anyone that moans about it to back off - its your life and business not theirs!

 

No-one needs that kind of shit especially from your dad - don't take any stand your ground chick xx

haha! If I had the guts to do that at my sister's wedding I totally would have! I know 100% my siblings would give me grief for not inviting him, which is why I felt pressure to do so. I mean, my dad and I even work in the same building and I avoid him at all costs (we are on seperate floors so it's not too hard to avoid him). One time I ran into him and he didn't even say hi. So, yeah, I like your idea about being honest. He does not talk to me so I know he won't have the guts to call me up and tell me if he's coming, and he does not answer the phone when I call. might be easier to talk to an answering machine anyway! Thanks for the input!

can i ask why you & your dad have no relationship?

 

considering that you work in the same building and he didnt say hi when he ran into you... yikes.

If your father is capable of saying negative things about you to your BIL's family, he will be capable of doing the same with your FI' family... What you tell of your father reminds me of my maternal grandmother, who told my paternal grandmother all kinds of horrible things about my mother... no need to say my grandmother is not invited to my wedding.

I don't know why you sent the STD in the first place... maybe you're still trying to have this relationship "work".. after all he's your father. But you have to decide on what you really want.

- If you don't invite him, then it's now "open war" no matter how you explain this to him or your siblings (although some of them will probably be able to understand). It will probably jeopardize anything left of your relationship to your father. At the same time, you know that you won't have to suffer drama and bad-mouthing about you at your own wedding. You'll be able to enjoy the whole thing instead of worrying every time you will see him talking to somebody else.

- If you invite him, then you're probably safe on the family side, but how will you live your wedding ? Plus, will this actually improve the family situation as it is today ? Not sure.

If this was me, I would definitely not invite him. I would call him and tell him everything on my heart - what I overheard, what I know - and tell him I don't want to take the chance that he ruins MY day. If your relations are already bad enough that he bad mouthes you with your BIL family, well, it will just give him more to talk about... and this time at least there will be some truth in it. Some of your siblings might understand, others not... that will definitely make it difficult. But I know I'm a strong person and I can go through that for the sake of my quietness. I don't know what's your story, so think about what you know you can take, what are your limits...

A good question to ask yourself is what is more important : you and your wedding, or your siblings and your relationship to them (if they are the true reason why you sent the STD in the first place).

We do not have a relationship ever since I had my son... at age 16. I can understand how parents have tons of emotions when their child comes home pregnant; however, I have done well for myself. I am the only one in my family who has gone to university, and I am not finishing my Master's degree. I actually took care of my son and I did not go out and party like the stereotypical "teen mom". Needless to say, he has failed to see how positively my son has impacted my life.

Edit: I meant to say I am NOW finishing my Master's degree