We need a sub-forum just for family problems... (Warning: LONG!)

Le sigh... I think everyone has problems with their families, or families-in-law, and for me, it's my own parents... I don't know who else to vent to, so I came here. Me and FI met on November 4, 2005, and got engaged on December 25, 2006. My parents have HATED Marc ever since we met, and don't really talk to him or even talk about him at all. They live about 1000km's away, so we don't see each other very often, and when we do, they just talk to me and are happy to see me and could care less about FI. So all along I've just been ignoring it and cherishing the little bit of time I got to see them each year and FI has just blown it off. Anyway, getting to the point, I went to see them back in August as a surprise, just me and my sister, and while I was there my father said "You should come live with me and your mother for the winter, I could use someone to shovel my snow." I said "Dad, I have a life in St. John's, I have Marc and the two cats and a place of my own, I can't just leave all that behind." His reply, "Why not? What difference does it make if you leave them down there?" And I just walked away and he didn't bring it up anymore while I was home. Anyway, Marc has been out of work for a few months (through no fault of his own) and my Dad thought he was just being lazy, sending over 200 resumes is far from lazy, and FI starts his first day of work at his new job tonight. So I called my dad last week to let him know that I decided to go back to school and that I was going to do cosmetology (a decision I made a LONG time ago, but couldn't tell Dad for fear he'd freak out, he still doesn't know about us having a DW) and he said "Well, before you go to school, get some energy pills, will you?" Referring to Marc and that he's "lazy". Nothing FI ever does is good enough for my father, and it's driving me nuts. EVERY time I get off the phone with him I'm left crying, and FI has to pick up the pieces. So I haven't talked to Dad in over a week, and today Mom called and left a message on my machine yelling at me and telling me that she's pissed off I haven't called her back since she tried calling last Sunday. I just don't know what to do anymore, it feels like I'm never going to be good enough for them, and I have two older sisters who are FAR from perfect, and my father HATES my middle sister's husband, but he would never say anything to her about Andy being a piece of trash (Even though he is, but that's another story). I'm ready to just cut off all ties with my parents, as much as it hurts. I've tried for almost THREE YEARS to get Mom and Dad to realize that I love Marc and I'm not leaving him, and they still see him as a boyfriend and a fling, even though we've been engaged for almost two of those three years. Should I try to smooth things over anymore? This is tearing me apart and I've already had countless anxiety attacks over Dad and his negative comments and I've even had a few breakdowns and spent nights in the hospital because of it. Le sigh... And FI's parents are ANGELS!! They're so supportive and so loving, but they're in Aberta I'm just at my wit's end and I need a neutral view on this... And if you've made it this far, God love ya

It sounds like it's time to put your foot down. You need to go to your parents, sit them down and just say..Look...This man is going to be my HUSBAND...he;s here forever..If you don't start treating him and also me with the respect we give you, then we are going to walk away and live our lives without you.

Hopefully after you have that talk with them, it won't come down to that. There has to be a way to make them understand what they are doing to you. Your going to be married and what about one day if you have kids? How can your kids grow up in that situation?

I think that you should just lay it all out on the table...Maybe they don't realize what they are doing, ya know?

I'm sorry for all of this Drama you are having...But it sounds like your FI is a really good man.

Good luck with everything!!!!

Thanks That's what I'm thinking too, I'm just such a soft-hearted person, I really don't know how to approach it, that's my problem. I HATE confrontation, and I've always been afraid of my parents (rough childhood, but I'm not going there lol) And FI is amazing, he is definitely my rock, and his mother would stay on the phone with me for three days and listen to me cry if she thought it would help, I just wish my own mother gave a shit sometimes And I try to talk to my oldest sister about it, and the only response I get is "I'm not getting in the middle of this".

I agree with PhillyBride...i think you should sit them both down and tell them how you feel. It's not fair that your dad asks you to up and leave the life you have created for yourself and your soon to be husband.

If your parents can't accept him, (and from your post it doesn't seem that Marc has done ANYTHING for them to dis-like him) then maybe you need to consider not havng them in your life. That sounds harsh because they're your parents, but who needs toxic people in their life (no matter who they are)?!?! My FI has written his parents off because he's tired of being hurt and getting let down by them. Unfortunately, we can't choose who our parents are!!

Good luck girl!

i know mine probably wont be popular advice...but i went through a similar situation with my mother. my parents are divorced, and dad remarried but mom did not. it got to a point that i could no longer take the negativity from her. i cut her out. she did not come to my wedding. and she even brainwashed my sister into not attending. but my life has been so much easier and happier since i cut her out. i have supportive in-laws, and my dad & stepmom. i dont need crazy in my life.

 

if you need to cut them out, i say do it. it doesnt have to be forever. just for now because they are not understanding you are an individual with a life, feelings, goals, etc etc. perhaps some time away from them would make them realize that.

Take a stand its the only thing you can do.

 

Tell them, not ask, that you are marrying FI and you are sick of the snide comments and that they are hurting you and if they don't stop it they will lose you.

 

I'm lucky I've had hellish fights with my parents over the years and even when I was making a complete arse of myself dad still stood behind me. At one point he even said look I'm not keen on FI but he's your choice and if thats what you want then fine.

 

You need to show them you are not a little girl anymore and won't take their crap. FI just had a mega bust up with his mother to the point where he doesn't even speak to his sister anymore lol She got the message after he said deal with it or i'm gone.

 

Dig deep you'll be able to stand up to them and if not i'll come over and kick their asses for you lol

I knew I'd get great advice here I kinda knew what I had to do, but I needed the motivation (and the confidence that it's the right thing to do). So I'm going to give them the ultimatum, "You can accept it, or you can lose a daughter. Your choice." And Harty, I'm hoping I won't have to kick anyone's arse (love how you call it arse too lol), but if the need arises, I'll keep you in mind!! And at least you won't have to fly too far! lol

 

This board, and all you ladies, are absolutely amazing.

No problem lol not sure how far it is but Toronto is 6 hours lmao

Well, I haven't read anybody else's responses, but here's what I think. Sometimes you need to eliminate negative people from your life. And unfortunately sometimes those people are related to you. (actually that is something my therapist told me) If you feel you've done everything in your power to make a situation better and can walk away without regrets- then sometimes that it what you need to do. I know people will disagree with me because they are your parents, but you have to realize that the only person you have control over is you. You will never be able to change them or their actions/reactions. You can only control your own actions and reactions. So, I'm not saying you have to cut them out all together, but if its this bad and its affecting your health~ maybe its time you told them that the way they act is unacceptable to you and unfortunately you will have to limit your contact with them because of it. Then, only see them on Christmas or something. I'm sorry you're going thru this. It definitely sucks.

It's almost literally "across the pond" lol All I know is Marconi was able to send the first wireless signal from Cornwall (I think) to Signal Hill here in St. John's lol And that was apparently 3500 km's lol As for a flight, you've gotta go through Toronto or Halifax first I think, which is stupid because you have to fly over Newfoundland, then fly back lol My cousin has to do that from Norway every year, fly to Toronto then fly back to St. John's or Gander