dh and new job vent - help!

My FI and I are in a similar situation. He leaves for work at 5 because he has to clock in my 5:45am. He is up and gone before I even think about getting up. He also has a very physical job, and no real set end time for his shift. Some days he gets home early, and others late. When it is late he is useless because he is so exhausted. He also works over the weekend which is when I'm off so I am always stuck going to all the family and friend functions alone-which I hate-because he goes to bed super early. He is off on Tuesdays and Wednesdays which are the days I go into the office so he takes me to the train and we usually go to dinner or a movie on Monday or Tuesday night since he doesn't need to be up early. You got to just find a schedule that works for both of you, and make the best of the situation even though I know it sucks.

thanks girls - i really appreciate all of the advice!

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Originally Posted by Alyssa Lauren,   that is really tough! When FI and i first started dating he was working full time and finishing his master's degree - can you say "no free time?" lol.   anyway, i think what i hear you saying is that you want to see HIM making an effort or caring about it? is that right?

as far as what we do when he gets home, i don't care what it would be, as long as we're spending some time together. it would be especially nice if he'd help me w/ dinner and dishes, bc he'll flip if i leave them for the weekend, but if it's unrealistic, so be it. after dinner, he goes right to the computer, where he sits with his back to me until it's bedtime. he doesn't watch tv, and has the attention span of a goldfish. i could push a movie, but he watches them to and from the city on his iphone. he doesn't understand that i'd just like to spend a little time together.

Lauren- I think that's when compromising comes into play. Let him know that you would like him to be a little more attentive- use the computer example. I understand the need to wind down after you get home from work, and I'm assuming he's using the computer for that, but he also needs to keep your feelings in thought. Maybe allow 30 mins on the computer then the rest of the time he's to spend with you.

As for the dishes, he can't bitch if they are dirty in the sink if he's not making an effort to help. Or since you don't work during the summer, why not leave them at night and clean it up in the morning?

I may be ignorant, but I feel like he should MAKE time for you. Stu has a very demanding job too, but we make it a point to have a date at least once a week just to keep communication lines open and spend time on us. And they're not expensive or time consuming things either. We'll go to a street fair, or a walk in Central Park, or sunday we went to Ellis Island. I know he's exhausted, but maybe you could explain that you miss him and would just like to have 1 day or night during the weekend to be with just each other outside of the house. I don't really know if this solves the "during the week" times, but it may help in other ways. And usually things just always work out. The things you were so stressed about 2 years ago, you probably don't even remember now. So just keep loving him, and everything will work out just right.

Kacie had some great advice. I agree, I'd be ticked about him spending all his free time at the computer; you're going to have to discuss some compromises like Rachel suggested. Hang in there - good times are coming.

so this is the bullshit i encounter:

i sent dh a text earlier saying 'gym?' figuring i'd wait so we could go together.

he sends one back saying yes.

he just called, is on the train -

l: do you want me to bring you clothes so we can go straight?

k: no i'm too tired.

l: well you could have sent me a text when you left work to let me know so i could have gone...now i can't.

nothing. dead silence.

l:how was your day?

k: fine, how was yours?

l: ok, anything new or interesting?

k: nope.

dead silence.

l: ok, well i guess that constitutes our conversation for the day.

silence.

l: whatever. see you in an hour.

and i hung up.

now i'm pissed off b/c when he gets home, he won't say anything either. my options at this point are the silent treatment or pretending. knowing me, i'll probably go with the silent treatment until he asks what's wrong and i burst YET AGAIN, for the 3rd time in 2 days.

wow lauren i've had those conversations with doug too. sometimes he gets so stressed out about $ or whatever, and he just goes all inside instead of talking about it. drives me nuts, but usually i just kill him with kindness and overkill the pretend factor. silent doesnt work for me even if i try, so i just go super overload on acting like i'm not mad at all, it usually works to bring him around, either by making him realize he's been an ass or by drawing him back out.

hope k comes around soon, i'm sure he will, just try not to blow up because it doesnt look like he reacts to that.

Yikes Lauren. No fun. Maybe just start assuming he's too tired of the gym and go earlier. I know that's not the WHOLE problem, but just a minor solution I suppose.

Have you guys had a heart to heart about how his job is effecting him thus your relationship? Sometimes they need it spelled out and won't get what's going on. I've noticed Steve is so literal and even though we may be fighting about something that I think is clear, he is thinking something completely off.