Never thought I'd be in this boat -- devastated!

Since we're paying for the wedding ourselves and I'm one of those that don't care too much about the details of the wedding, I thought it would be a smooth ride and I never have to fight any crisis. Here I am, completely devastated!!!

So my dad just found out that I will be adding FH's last name to be mine and declared that he would not come to my wedding unless I keep my last name. I am not a traditional person that's why we're having a DW. But I've always been looking forward to having the same last name as my FH and kids later on. I am going to keep my maiden name as my middle name so it will be part of the name but that's not good enough to my dad. I completely broke down over the weekend and FH tried to talk to him too but he will not give in. I am not up to hyphenating the two last names either because 1. it is too long and 2. it is not the same as having one family name. If I do that, I might as well keep my current last name.

What does everyone think? If I insist on changing name, then my parents will not be coming to my wedding. Am I being selfish for wanting to do this?

Um, NO - you're NOT being selfish. It's your life and your name. I can't believe you parents wouldn't come if you changed your name... I'm so sorry you're going through this!!! As if there isn't enough stress associated with planning a DW...

Wow i am really sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I think that it is ridiculous for your parents to demand that you keep their name. 1st of all - you are a grown ass woman - 2nd you are becoming a family with your FI and plan to have kids and do not need ANYONE's permission to change your name or not change it. and 3rd - if they are willing to miss your wedding b/c they cannot manipulate you into doing what they want, then shame on them. you are NOT being selfish - this isn't about you - they are being completely self centered and manipulative. i am really sorry but i say stay strong and stand your ground as painful as it may be. you need to set a precedent now that you and your FH will not be controlled by them. what will be next? how you raise you kids? etc?

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I don't think you are being one bit selfish! I don't think that is is fair for your parents to do this to you!

Oh Sharon, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I cannot imagine your parents being so cut & dry with their threats...it is entirely unfair to you. And please do not feel selfish or guilty in wanting to change your name...it's your choice and you could do it now if you wanted to, even without getting married!

Perhaps taking a few days to calm down from the situation, and then trying to talk with them again might help. Don't make any decisions in the heat of the moment. We're here to help!

Wow.... This might sound sneaky, but can you tell your dad that you're going to keep your name and then tell him later that you changed your mind? It really isn't up to him, but if he is really serious about not going to your wedding, what would he do if you told him you'd change it and then changed your mind after the wedding? I don't endorse lying to parents, but I don't really understand why it is such a big deal to him that he won't even go. Do you think he has some other underlying issue that he doesn't want to talk to you about?

I agree with Heidi, tell your Dad to get over it. This is your life, your a grown women and if you want to talk to future husbands name, then it's your decision to make.

I am so sorry that your going threw this. I wonder why it is so important to your father for you to keep your last name. Just remember that it’s your day and your future. At some point your father may reconsider and you can always change it later. I don’t however think your selfish if you decide on the change because it should ultimately be about you. Give your dad some time he may also come around!

Part of me thinks you should call him on his bluff. He's just having an emotional tantrum, seems to me. If he's really willing to miss his daughters once-in-a-lifetime special day for something like that, I don't know if I'd want him there with that attitude.

You're supposed to "leave and cleave!" Leave your family home and "cleave" to your husband. What if your mother's father gave her the same ultimatum regarding taking HIS name?

I think you should ignore it for now and move forward with your plans. He'll probably come around closer to the wedding...(or he should...) Good luck with everything and don't let this stress you out.