does it get easier?

carly · 07-05-2007, 11:41 AM

Has anyone else noticed that once you got engaged, you fight more? I moved in with my fiance in December (coincidentally only a week before we got engaged). And it seems that we fight now more then ever. I know that people say that is normal, if you can make it thru the wedding - that is the hardest part. But dayum! Life changing situations are hard.

TammyB · 07-05-2007, 11:47 AM

Well first you moved in together, that alone is a HUGE adjustment. Then you get engaged and the stress of planning a wedding can also cause some problems. So yeah I can see it happening. Just try to keep an open communication with your FI and things will turn out fine and when it's all said and done your relationship will be stronger then what it was.

carly · 07-05-2007, 11:50 AM

Yeah, that is what I am hoping, but it seems that stupidest things are pissing us both off. I was even thinking of telling him that I wanted to go to counseling, b/c perhaps we jsut need to learn how to say something in a way that makes sense to the other. Then I worry of that is inviting trouble. It doesn't make it any easier that I work in a financial world and the end/beginning of the fiscal year is my busiest time. Thanks for listening!

AnnR · 07-05-2007, 11:50 AM

i don't think that happened to us - but we also spend A LOT of time together already (we work together). and we moved in together in Aug, got engaged in Sept - so like Tammy said, maybe it's all of the changes at once? we definitely had our "wedding planning" discussions that were a little intense - and i do think that's normal.

maybe try just taking a break from planning for a few weeks, don't even think about it or talk about it - you have plenty of time!

MsShelley · 07-05-2007, 11:52 AM

I definitely agree with Tammy, it is probably the stress of planning getting to you!

TammyB · 07-05-2007, 11:54 AM

I think a couples counseling is never a bad idea and is never too soon. It helps (like you said) the couple learn to talk to each other and work things out. It's always the little things that can start a fight but sometimes we have to pick our battles and if either or both of you are already stressed from work or wedding planning or whatever it only makes things harder because it's far to easy to take your stress on the one your with the most. even if it's not intended.

carly · 07-05-2007, 11:58 AM

Yeah, I am looking up places to go to counseling now. That is so not my thing, makes me nervous just thinking about it! He is a hair-dresser AND italian, so he talks all day and night non-stop. I am a pretty internal person, so that may be part of the problem as well. Thanks for all the comments, ladies, I just needed to get it off my chest...

tvt · 07-05-2007, 11:59 AM

We've definitely had some intense wedding discussions. One time the gloves came off and it was darn right brutal. But after that big blow out we realized that we were fighting because we were letting other people get too involved. Since then we created Team Tara & Joe. It started as a joke, but now it always reminds us that we're a team and we're in this together; not against each other.

And moving in together is an adjustment in itself. Just don't let anyone else move in with you two. That is TOUGH.

MikkiStreak · 07-05-2007, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TammyB

I think a couples counseling is never a bad idea and is never too soon. It helps (like you said) the couple learn to talk to each other and work things out. It's always the little things that can start a fight but sometimes we have to pick our battles and if either or both of you are already stressed from work or wedding planning or whatever it only makes things harder because it's far to easy to take your stress on the one your with the most. even if it's not intended.

I agree--- if you feel inclined toward counseling, do it now instead of waiting.

I think people tend to overlook the beginning of problems or just ignore them, thinking it will go away. On a different note, but same concept--- if you ask someone who has had an affair in their marriage, they'll tell you the marriage didn't fail the moment they slept with someone else; It started to fail the moment one person felt vulnerable and said yes to an offer of coffee and talking when they were asked by someone they were attracted to.

If that makes sense----

But I also agree that moving in together is a hard time of adjustment for many people, especially if you both have been on your own for awhile before living together. Communication is key, but if you feel you need to explore methods to open up communication, counseling is a great way to do it and solidify your relationship!

TammyB · 07-05-2007, 12:04 PM

ha ha ha, I hear yeah Tara. Are things getting any better?