Anyone else dealing with angry family?

Shelley · 03-16-2007, 12:58 PM

Alright, I just need to rant a little bit and am thinking that if anyone can relate it would be someone here! So my fiance and I decided from the get go that we both wanted a destination wedding. When we decided on Mexico we honestly thought it would be just the two of us going. Then my family started saying they were coming too and wanting info on our resort, pricing, etc. I said in every group e-mail that we did not want anyone to feel pressured, we understood that this was a lot of money and so we'd understand if people can't come. (we never actually even sent out invites b/c we wanted to exert no pressure). Anyways, last night I "had it out" with my sister b/c she's been let's just say a little difficult in everything. I heard that she'd been complaining about my wedding and that I asked her to be a bridesmaid (even though I'm paying for the dresses) so I called her up to see what was up. She just basically told me that my entire family is angry and resentful that I picked something so expensive and that everyone has said that I should get married here b/c I'm asking too much of everyone and it's just way too much to expect everyone to go to Mexico. I said but I never expected anyone to come and I never put pressure on you and that an at home wedding was not what either of us wanted and isn't it our wedding? She just said I'm being totally selfish that no one is excited about a holiday and all I've done is stressed everyone out. As you may imagine, this isn't exactly what a bride wants to hear and I had a minor breakdown. So I called up my mom and my other sister and just said I'll pay everyone's cancellation insurance and just have the two of us go like we had originally planned but they both swore up and down that they do not feel that way whatsoever and that they are excited to go and that my other sister is completely making everything up b/c of her own issues and there's no way they're cancelling. I of course want to believe them. So anyways, after this very long rant, I'm just wondering if others are also experiencing family members getting mad about your decision to have a destination wedding? I honestly see it as our wedding and we should be able to have it wherever we want (it's not like we demanded anyone to come). Is that selfish

MikkiStreak · 03-16-2007, 01:11 PM

Definitely! We've all heard this in various degrees. Here's something I learned when dealing with my daughter---- when she's upset and wants to feel validated, she will throw everyone else into her opinion (ie, the whole family thinks this and that, etc...). Usually, it's simply not true. Or, at other times, she is taking a minor statement from someone and blowing it out of proportion.

I've actually been dealing with this from the Best Man in our wedding. I finally got tired of it and told him to put up or shut up--- if he wants the wedding here, he needs to start shelling out the dough to help us fund the 500+ family members we have. And if he can't, he needs to shut up because for us, this is what we want and it's also a method of budget control.

We started out just like you---- planning on going by ourselves and really liked that idea. Then, when we announced, the whole family jumped in and said ' No way, you guys aren't going by yourselves.' Every once in awhile, they will gripe about paying to attend and when they do, I just tell them, hey, if you can't afford to go, then don't. We didn't invite you anyways...

PaulaV · 03-16-2007, 01:12 PM

Yes, yes and yes.
But they will get over it because it's our wedding and what we have chosen to do.

We don't want to look back and regret not having it where we really want because of a couple of people telling me we are not thinking of the family's financial situation... I have even offered to pay for some of them! Truth is, all but a handful would have to travel if we had it here in Ohio. I wouldn't be happy having it here. About half will be coming from Mexico City, the rest in the US.

So we are going to continue planning, we'll see how it goes. If we do have it in Feb08, they will have plenty of time to save.

I know there are several people on the board that have had to deal with this as well.
Good luck, we are here for you!

TammyB · 03-16-2007, 01:16 PM

We also wanted to be married just the two of us. I knew Cain's ma wouldn't miss it for the world because Cain is her only child. So we knew she would fly there for a few days. BUT my side of the family still to this day give us a hard time about not getting married locally. My sister refused to even go to my batchlorette party. It's very hard being a happy couple trying to do what "we" want when everyone around you want to b*tch at you about something, even if they have the money to attend, they still would rather spend less. I've heard "how could you not want to share this day with your family, you clearly don't care about us anymore now that you are getting married" which is totally BS.

Bottom line, do what you and your FI want, everyone else will get over it eventually. OH and if your sister doesn't knock it off tell her she is no longer a BM.. :-)

lambert13 · 03-16-2007, 01:26 PM

I know what you are talking about.

But, think of how much worse it could be if everyone wanted to go and you had to tell them that you don't want anyone there with you. That's my fun-filled situation right now.

I think you're taking the right approach though with it being an open ended no-pressure invitation. They all have to be responsible for whatever decision they make.

Debs · 03-16-2007, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikkiStreak

I've actually been dealing with this from the Best Man in our wedding. I finally got tired of it and told him to put up or shut up--- if he wants the wedding here, he needs to start shelling out the dough to help us fund the 500+ family members we have. And if he can't, he needs to shut up because for us, this is what we want and it's also a method of budget control.
...

Us too! I wrote about it before.. his thing is because he's afraid to fly. So, ya, let's cancel the whole thing because YOU don't want to fly.

Stick to yer guns.

My parents aren't going because they aren't "adventure people" haha. But they are cool with our decision and are happy for us regardless.

kay726 · 03-16-2007, 02:33 PM

I agree with everyone above. There is something about weddings, especially destination weddings, that bring out the nut jobs. Just stick to your plans and enjoy youself. They will eventually come around and deal with it or they won't and if that is the case , they have the problem and not you.

MikkiStreak · 03-16-2007, 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Debs

Us too! I wrote about it before.. his thing is because he's afraid to fly. So, ya, let's cancel the whole thing because YOU don't want to fly.

Stick to yer guns.

My parents aren't going because they aren't "adventure people" haha. But they are cool with our decision and are happy for us regardless.

Our BM hasn't come right out and said he doesn't want to go or won't go... instead, he's more subtle with statements like, "Do you really think anyone is going to show up? I'd hate to see you disappointed" and "No one is going to have enough time to plan if you don't tell them all the expenses now" (um, hello, that's why we announced we were going away to get married 1.5 years before the actual date and told people to estimate between $1000-1500 for it!) and my favorite, "Why don't you guys just go do a JP wedding and go out to eat like my sister did? They wanted to save money for a house."

I think he's just doing it because he has another friend who is getting married in Mexico this year and he's wondering how he can squeeze in both of them. Hell, last weekend he even had his other buddy call my FI to tell him about how for their wedding, they both got 1st class airline tickets, plus hotel stay for $1800 (total for both). Ummm, right- don't think so. Just 1 first class ticket costs more than that...

NATASHA · 03-16-2007, 02:43 PM

You're not selfish and don't let anyone torture you with that.

Your wedding is about you and your husband. Period. The fact that you have family and friends who want to join you is great - but it is not a family requirement no matter where you get married.

kay726 · 03-16-2007, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikkiStreak

Our BM hasn't come right out and said he doesn't want to go or won't go... instead, he's more subtle with statements like, "Do you really think anyone is going to show up? I'd hate to see you disappointed" and "No one is going to have enough time to plan if you don't tell them all the expenses now" (um, hello, that's why we announced we were going away to get married 1.5 years before the actual date and told people to estimate between $1000-1500 for it!) and my favorite, "Why don't you guys just go do a JP wedding and go out to eat like my sister did? They wanted to save money for a house."

I think he's just doing it because he has another friend who is getting married in Mexico this year and he's wondering how he can squeeze in both of them. Hell, last weekend he even had his other buddy call my FI to tell him about how for their wedding, they both got 1st class airline tickets, plus hotel stay for $1800 (total for both). Ummm, right- don't think so. Just 1 first class ticket costs more than that...

Is it me, or when you give people almost 2 years time to plan and save for the wedding,it seems to make things worse. I made that mistake and it seems like people just ignore it when you say"HELLO, WE are getting married so do a payment plan to ease the financial burden" or we understand that you will not be able to make it and we will see you when we get back.