What would YOU do?!?!

[KAMAY11]

I apologize if this thread is long, but this issue is REALLY bothering me and I don't know what to do... (My thoughts are all over the place and this may not make sense!)

 

Here's the story-One of my bridesmaids has been dating a guy long distance (and I say "dating" loosely!!!) for about 4 months. She asked me if I cared that he came down to Cabo for a few days....seeing as she's my best friend and I have never met this guy, i thought it would be a great way for them to see eachother and for my DH and I to meet him. This guy (we'll call him "John") arrived the same day as us, just a few hours later. He came, she introduced us and then THAT WAS IT!!!!!!! I DID NOT see her for 3 f***ing days.

 

I knew going on this trip that people were going to do their own thing and I NEVER had the expectation that my guests had to be glued to my side. Everyone spent money to come and this was their vacation too. But seriously!!! She was my bridesmaid! (A shitty one at that!) I don't care that he came, but all I wanted was for her to make an effort to come say HI to me, have lunch with us or whatever. She was so consumed by him, that when I confronted her about this, she had no idea why I was upset and said I was being the bitch and acting selfish. I AM NOT A SELFISH PERSON, but every girl is entitled to one day and this was mine. It got to the point that my guests were asking what happened to her, my DH getting angry with how she was treating me and rolling their eyes of how she retarded she was acting.

 

When "John" left, she made her re-appearance. I think she could tell things were strained between us though as the tension was pretty thick. I wasn't actually going to say anything until we got back becuase the last thing I wanted to do was fight-but I was being passive-aggressive so I had to tell her.

 

When I confronted her, she yelled at me to the point people on the resort were staring at us...she also threw in my face that she spent sooooo much money to come....but what pisses me off about that is she openly admitted to me months before that she probably wouldn't have gone in to debt for this trip if she hadn't been going to the bar everynight.

 

I NEVER would have done this to her, so maybe that's why I feel so sad about it??!?!

 

Here's what I'm struggling with-

-This was her vacation too, so she should be able to do what she wants

-She never sees this guy she's "dating" so I should be more sensitive

-She thinks I'm over it, but I'm NOT so how do i tell her....or do I?

-This trip really made her true colors show, and I'm not sure that I like who she is.

[nicmicj]

I have to admit that I would feel the same way that you do. It was YOUR wedding and she was YOUR bridesmaid. Your bridesmaid should have made more of an effort to include him in activities that the group did together and not just go off and not be seen for the next few days. Like you say, it was your guests vacations too and they are in a long distance relationship so they wanted to have time for themselves and to spend it how they wanted to. However, this does not mean they vanish while they are there.

 

Where there activities planned for the entire group to attend while there? If so, and if she did not come to these as well, that is totally not right. You should still voice your concern to her about how you are feeling because if you all don't talk about it in a calm manner without yelling then nothing will get resolved.

 

Good luck! I feel your frustration.

[ErinB]

I totally understand your frustration and anger. My feelings would have been really hurt if I were in the same situation.

 

The wedding is over now, so I just say let things go. If you still feel the need to discuss this with her, send a note or e-mail. Thank her for coming and spending all of the $$$ to attend. Tell her you understand her situation but were disappointed and hurt by her behavior, you felt like all that mattered was him, not you or her BM obligations. Say you were frustrated and embarrassed having to answer to your other guests about her behavior and disappearance.

 

Chances are this relationship will not last and she will come crawling back to you once she wakes up and realizes she acted like an idiot. My guess is she knew she was in the wrong and that is why she reacted the way she did. To play devil's advocate, she might have felt abandoned with you getting married - stupid I know, but I had a friend totally shut me out right before the wedding.

 

I think if you say what you need to say to make you feel better, then that is all you can do. It will then be up to you to decide if you want her to be a part of your new life.

 

Good luck!

[*Heather*]

I was going to write exactly what Erin said - but she said it way better than I would have Way to go Erin.

[Jen_S]

I would do my best to move past it. I do not think it is worth hurting your friendship is obviously important since you asked her to be in your wedding. I would be upset that I did not see my BM for 3 days but it was also her vacation she missed out on the good times the rest of your group shared.

[Bisha]

I totally understand where you're comming from and would have reacted the same exact way. Probably even worse since I tend to say everything that's on my mind.

 

We had somewhat of a similar situation with my in-laws acting if they weren't even part of the group. Mind you, this was a very small and tight group of 16. It was even to the point that they would pick a place on the beach as far away from us as possible. My husband was really hurt by it and thankfully, a fried of ours (and this is my speculation) talked to his brother and him and his wife started spending more time with us but for his dad (for whom we paid in full by the way) made minimal effort to spend time with us. When him and his girlfriend actually joined us for dinner, they acted as if they were not happy to be there while everyone else was having a good time. If this was my family acting this way, I would have thrown a fit and told them exactly how I feel. Being that this was my husband's family, he said very little and what little hits he made, were brushed off!

 

I'm sorry for being so long winded but, I do agree with the fact that she acted immaturely and you need to clear the air with her (preferably camly) and decide if you really want someone that will ditch you for any guy at any moment as a BF! I've known plenty of girls like that in my time and I'm telling you from experience, they're not worth the effort!

 

Good luck! and keep us posted.

[Hartyt509]

I'm not sure how I'd feel to be honest. I would probably have made my point at the time then written it off when I got back.

 

There will be 20 of us max and I don't expect I'll see them much at all apart from the actual wedding and that honestly doesn't bother me. I'll meet up with the girls for a drink but if I never see the the in laws the whole trip i'll be a happy girl lol

 

She'll come crawling back when he dumps her guarantee it then you decide whether you are happy with that or not. I'd probably just write it off after i'd said my piece

[meghan]

Its clear that this is really upsetting you, and I think you have to clear it up if you still want to be friends, because it will always be in teh back of your mind. Ask yourself the question, is this someone who you really want as your frined?

[KAMAY11]

Update:

Here is the email I sent her: (I was probabaly not as nice as I could have been, but like i said-this issue is bugging me)

 

I hope you're having a good day...

 

Listen-I know that I said I hope we can get past the issues we had in Mexico, but in order for me to do that I need to get some things off my chest. I am still very hurt, angry and upset about how things were between us.

I asked you to be my bridesmaid because you are my BEST FRIEND and you have been there for me through everything. The way things were while Sheldon was in Cabo, you definitely WERE NOT. You threw in my face that the times you did try and come hangout with me, there were no seats or I was "surrounded by people"....I am going to be honest-That is a total cop-out and a flat out excuse. You DISAPPEARED pretty much the minute Sheldon showed his face. I know in your mind you think I am being selfish or whatever else, but THIS WAS MY WEDDING!!!!!!! Every girl is allowed to be selfish once in her life, and this was my time. Like I said to you before, all I wanted was for you to say HI or show that you fucking cared.

 

Also, you were so excited for me to meet Sheldon and I barely ended up talking to him! I understand that this was also your vacation and you struggled to come up with the money to come, but ALL i hear in my head when you told me that was when you flat out told me that you probably could have afforded the trip if you hadn't gone out drinking and to the bar every night.....that REALLY pisses me off. When you were yelling at me and crying, it was very clear to me that there you have some under lying issues.

 

I NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE TO YOU WHAT YOU DID TO ME-IF I WAS EVER YOUR BRIDESMAID, THE GUY WHO I WAS WITH WOULD COME SECOND!!!!!!! It was very apparent that me, that myself, Doug and my family came second while Sheldon was around. I DEFINITELY didn't need you to hold my hand everyday and be glued to my side, but for godsakes-come for dinner, a drink or say HI! If you were just a guest at the wedding, i wouldn't feel this way-But you were my bridesmaid! You represented me!!!

 

Her response that she sent me today:

 

Your email didn’t make me mad or hurt, but sure made me realize that even though I do hope we can move past this for the sake of the friendship we have built; I am not willing compromise my integrity on this issue.

 

Think about what you were expecting from my perspective, I was amidst a difficult break up, and right away was dealing not just the emotional hardship but financial as well. Despite that I had my own things to deal with; you made me feel obligated to go to your wedding, and I pulled some serious strings to make it happen. I agreed to be your bridesmaid before I knew it was going to cost me so much, and you were already having Jess back out, so I tried to be there for you since I felt bad for you. Everything from you asking me to be one of the first 10 to put down a deposit, I did it. That is the kind of friend I am, to ANYONE in my life, because that is the kind of support I would want in return. Where was everyone else for you then?

 

And you’re right, there were underlying issues when we were arguing, but they had nothing to do with Sheldon. It was petty of you to suggest that I was unhappy in my relationship, and again in your email to suggest I have “issuesâ€. You are deliberately trying to hurt me, and that IS NOT WHAT REAL FRIENDS DO.

We had barley been there 18 hours and already you said we were ignoring you? WTF?? Yet we still came to join everyone that evening and you are the one who didn’t acknowledge me. Then everyone just left without any mention of even where dinner was going to be that night. So of course when there wasn’t room we just did our own thing. (Gladly) After that I would say hello if I saw anyone from the group, by why would I go any further out of my way if the effort is not reciprocated? Not to mention how childish I thought it was of you to try to make an announcement about what he does for work, like his presence needs to be justified or something?? Let the guy just relax and be himself for god’s sake!!! It’s not anyone’s business unless he wants to talk about it. No wonder I wanted other people in my life to meet him first. This was also my holiday, and it was his too, and we had no interest in being judged or talked to in such a manner. Not to mention, if I had known that the whole trip every one would meet in the same place, hang out in the same area, and meet again to eat in the same restaurant, and “checking in†before and after doing anything…like a fucking routine in a kindergarten class, I would not have signed up. Even if Sheldon had not come down, I would not have wanted to spend a whole week in group like that, it’s just who I am. You would have found some other reason to be critical of me & what I want to do, just as you continuously try to control those around you. You wanted the whole week to be about you (guy or no guy) which is a ridiculously selfish expectation. I don’t regret a single moment that he was there for, and would do it all again. I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

 

Maybe she has some valid points, but all I wanted was for her to acknowledge where I was coming from. She was a shitty bridesmaid all along and I think this was the last straw for me.

I feel like I am psychotic expecting her to be there for me during the trip, but it's not THAT unrealistic is it?!

[KAMAY11]

BTW-Just to clairfy she WAS NOT there for dinner...

Lol-reading this email exchange sounds childish...