In-laws....

MrsWtobe · 02-04-2007, 11:00 AM

Hi everyone,
I completely realize that this post doesn't really pertain to destination weddings on their own, but am really hoping people can offer me some advice or relate to some of the problems I've been having with my inlaws lately.
My fiancee and I are both teachers, so it was absolutely necessary to get married in July or August (unless we asked guests to pay way more money over Christmas or March Break)...we chose July. This is where all of our problems began--my FFIL had a fit that he would have to go down when it is "ridiculously hot". My fiancee is an only child and I thought my FFIL would be much more excited about their only son's wedding. Since we announced our engagement, things have only gotten worse...when we came over to show his parents my ring...they were in the middle of watching TV and didn't really take any interest in anything we were saying...we spent too much money on our house, we shouldn't renovate anything in our house since we have no money (which as announced at Thanksgiving dinner)...they don't understand why we sent invitations out (why did we waste our money??)...in other words we are just incredibly irresponsible with our money...and to top everything off last night we went over there to tell them about the things we had bought for the wedding (our bands, my fiancee's suit) and before I could explain what either of these looked like or how happy we were about them we were told that my FFIL is NOT wearing a suit to our wedding and that they don't think they should have to get dressed up. I feel like everything I say, suggest, or try to talk to them just turns around to how stupid we are with our money and why are we wasting it. It's gotten to the point that I don't even want to go over there/have them over...because I feel like absolute garbage when we leave. I feel it is really starting to cause a rift between my fiancee and I as well.
Sorry for the long post---but I'm hoping someone out there can relate or at least offer some advice!

Jackie · 02-04-2007, 11:09 AM

Oh goodness they sound so negative. I'm not very familar with this first hand and dont have much advice but, maybe you should start disincluding them in your planning process. They dont sound like the deserve to be part of it and maybe some day they will realize that they missed out.

MrsWtobe · 02-04-2007, 11:12 AM

I thought of that, but then I started feeling bad about it. I guess I shouldn't because of the way they've been to us...but I'm just so frustrated! My fiancee even tried speaking to them about all of this...and things got better for about a week or two and then it just went back to the way it was. It's just REALLY stressing me out!

SarahMc · 02-04-2007, 11:16 AM

I've had some of the same issues, but with my mother, not my future in-laws. I'm going with the ignore approach - its our day, not hers, so we're going to do what we want, whether she likes it or not. I think that's okay, because we are paying for almost everything, not them. If she was paying for more stuff, I'd feel like I had to listen to her. I have to say she has gotten better after she's seen how some things will work out, and taking her on a site visit with me made things clearer for her. I guess my advice would be to pick your battles, only bring up stuff with them that is important for them to know about and ignore the rest (if you can).

Jackie · 02-04-2007, 11:18 AM

Thats really to bad. I know you feel badly, you are obviously a good person by nature and dont like the idea of potentially hurting anyones feelings. I tend to be like that to. But this is your wedding and you should enjoy every part of it you can. I definitly would try to withhold mentioning the wedding planning to much to them. On the flip side though if you can keep with the frame of mind that they are obviously negative people who will point out the bad in every situation maybe it can help you to not take it so personally. Thats really hard to do also though. Yikes your in a tough spot.

MrsWtobe · 02-04-2007, 11:23 AM

The worst part about everything is (sorry I keep going on....but if I don't get some of this stuff out I might be one of the first people to have a heart attack before I turn 29!)...it's gotten to the point now where it's not just wedding related---it's everything we do. "We shouldn't spend money on re-doing the bathroom...we don't have any money...why did we do this to our house...your cousin bought all their furniture for their new house at garage sales"....blahblahblah....

jillhigginsphotography · 02-04-2007, 12:09 PM

I would either:

a) Try my best to not tell them about plans for spending money.

b) Try to figure out where they are coming from. It sounds like maybe they may have had a hard time with money and maybe they don't want to see you go down that path. Or...maybe someone else has not been financially responsible and then relied on the them (the parents) to bail them out. I know it's not really their business as long as the two of you are not being a burden on them, but maybe you could reassure them that you are indeed being financially responsible and not burning up the credit cards, etc.

amyh · 02-04-2007, 12:13 PM

Good advise Jill. I agree, as much as you want to share your plans with your in-laws, if they are not giving you supportive responses then stop telling them. They'll probrably begin asking how your plans are coming along when they notice you haven't talked to them about it.

Raeka · 02-04-2007, 12:29 PM

In-laws are so difficult aren't they? From all my situations I find it to be best if I don't vent to my FH about them. It is his family and it would be hard to hear the woman you love talking negatively around them. Hopefully you have some good friends. And there is always us people on this forum to help and offer advice.

Money is such a touchy subject too. I'd try cutting off all ties to their knowledge on where and how you spend your money. They are lookiing out for you... but they need to focus more on your wedding and celebration of your love rather than putting all their visits focussed on your bad (their opinion) spending. This is YOUR and FH'S wedding, no one elses. Don't cater to everyone's needs or wants; because you may end up on the verge of a break down.

My opinion is vent to your friends not your FH about your future in-laws, don't tell your future in-laws about your money and where it's going, and surround yourself with positive people who will enjoy planning your wedding with you and give you valuble input.

LALA · 02-04-2007, 01:26 PM

These sound like the kind of people who won't be happy no matter what you do. You could probably have your wedding in their backyard and they would say it was too far away.

I agree with the advice of the others who say just stop sharing your decisions with them. If they aren't going to be supportive then they don't need to know.