A little advice greatly appreciated...

cendcar · 09-11-2008, 06:44 PM

Hello ladies, sorry so long but I really am torn,

:

So far I think you all are wonderful and I could really use your help with a dilemma.

My work is having a running event, 5k, lots of other SF companies will be there. We made special T-shirts for the company, going to go out after the run...super fun! It is next Wednesday and I just realized that I made plans for this exact day last March.

I have a friend, well "friend". She is the kind of girl whose life is miserable, no boyfriend in 10 years, super high maintenance, designer everything. She looks perfect on the outside but is a wreck on the inside. When I hang out with her I always regret it bc she mentally drains me.

Well, 6 months ago I promised I would go to a concert with her in mid-Sept. After flaking on her so many times I promised up and down that I would go to this one concert.

She never brought it up again and naturally I forgot about it bc I do not even care for the group that is playing. Last night, I went to pick up my dress (she insisted on coming even though she lives 40 minutes away and I was literally in the store for 15 min) and she reminded me about the concert. I felt so bad bc I had forgotten but also because I want to go to the run (and also bc she annoys the hell out of me!!!!).

I have been planning on severing ties with her anyway. We have nothing in common and I feel our values and outlooks on life are completely different. One friend said I should go to the concert anyway do this "one last thing" with her. Another friend asked why I kept putting myself in the same situation and that the only reason I was friends with her was out of pity, and that I should not go to the concert....

What should I do?

jamisoncollette · 09-11-2008, 06:51 PM

I don't think a "break up" date is necessary. It may just confuse her that you went to the concert with her but then decide to no longer be her friend. You cannot feel guilty or be guilt tripped. You are not responsible for her and don't allow her to make you feel as if you are.
At this time in your life all of your energy needs to be focused on things that make you happy and fullfilled. Kindly explain that you are not able to attend the concert, period. You do not owe an explanation or apology. It would be better for you to surround yourself with true friends.

Morgan · 09-11-2008, 07:06 PM

I distance myself from people like that. it's so draining to talk to them about their problems & try to help them when they don't want things to be better. they just want to be the most miserable in the room & get sympathy. I've played that game before in high school.

If someone really is having a bad time, I don't turn my back on them. But if they are just negative all the time with no good reason, I'm not going to wear myself out spending time with them.

reevesbride · 09-11-2008, 07:11 PM

Your in a really tough spot. Heres something to consider would you mind ending your friendship on bad terms by upsetting her? Because if you are worried about upsetting her you value her friendship more then you give yourself credit for. If you could care less blow her off and dont look back but do realize that you are hurting someone in the process.

EricaG · 09-11-2008, 07:24 PM

Fortunately I have not been in your situation, but my BFF was a couple years ago. We had this friend that I was no longer close to and would only see maybe once or twice a year, but she would always call my BFF and talk about how bad her life was and cry to her about how she slept with some random guy from the bar and he never called her afterwards...yada yada yada! Anyways, there is a big party weekend in our little small town Aug long every year that causes the towns population to more than double, and my BFF decided that was going to be the end of the friendship. It was sort of like a goodbye although the other girl was not totally aware of it. It actually worked well, as the other girl only tried to call my BFF twice I think, and that was it and it has been over 2 years since then. Of course you have something else that you would like to do, so I don't really know what to tell you. I think that this "friend" is to draining on you to keep around, but it is just a matter of when you cut her lose. Is the ticket paid for? Did she pay for it? Is there anyone else that could go in your place?

beachbride08 · 09-11-2008, 08:38 PM

I would just tell her that you forgot about the concert until she reminded you, and unfortunately that is the same day as the 5K run that you committed to through work. If you paid for the ticket, see if someone can go in your place. It sounds like you would much rather be running than listening to the depressing friend. Have you talked to her about how when you hang out with her she just brings you down? Maybe she doesn't realize it, and talking to her may help her get the picture. Then if things don't change after that you just need to let her know that you can't be surrounded with people that bring you down.

Yari · 09-11-2008, 10:59 PM

Don't give her a "pity" date, just tell her you can't go and you are super sorry. In the future don't make plans with her and hopefully she will get the hint.

cendcar · 09-12-2008, 12:14 AM

Thanks for all the advice...Yes, she has already paid for the ticket. Last time she invited me to a concert,she never waited for me to answer, she just bought the tickets anyway.

Okay, I will just tell her that I really want to go to this work thing and that I'm sorry, I had totally forgotten about the concert.

I do not want to hurt her feelings bc she has had several bouts of depression but I really need to get her out of my life. I am just going to not answer her calls as much and find excuses to not go out with her. Hopefully after awhile, like Erica's friend, she will stop calling.

It's just hard to tell someone that you do not want to be their friend, especially when she has no other friends, but I have to come to terms with the fact that it is not my problem.

Dang this sucks!

Hartyt509 · 09-12-2008, 06:18 AM

If you are going to ditch her you need to tell her straight and why. Its not very fair to just ignore her phone calls and she's probably going to go round the twist wondering why or if you are hurt or something.

If you have the backbone to ditch her have it to tell her why. You wouldn't like it if someone did it to you.

I'm not getting at you and to be fair i'd have probably told her a long long time ago lol Thing is you have to be the better person and ignoring her is just mean and i'm sure you aren't.

Just say look i'm not going to the gig i don't even like the band and if i'm being honest I can't even see why we are friends anymore. I don't mind being there for you in tough times but its all you seem to have and you are driving me nuts lol Do it in a public place so you can escape 2 lol

LC_Rachel · 09-12-2008, 09:52 AM

haha I like Marie's advice but I don't think I'd say "you are driving me nuts." Maybe "we seem to be at different places emotionally. I'm in the happiest point in my life and I feel our relationship has just become emotionally draining." :)

I do agree though- you should be straight up. If you are going to severe ties with someone I think they should know why. It's not fun questioning why it happened and never knowing what you did.