Mother has problem with non-christian ceremony. HELP!!

[cantorballard]

Wow, nothing like a little parental meddling to get people riled up!

But honestly, as a clergy member, I see parents trying to push their values and judgments onto their children, no matter how old their children are. We all need to remember that we have children to raise them properly, we give them roots, and wings, and we hope they grow up to be good people.

Children were not put on this earth to make their parents happy, we all come here for ourselves, though it is important to remember- we should not be by ourselves. Therefore, we have to balance our respect for family, with our own individuality.

Respect, however, goes both ways, and your Mother should be thrilled that you have found someone you love, who loves you, and that you love each other enough to make the commitment to each other to spend your lives together. That is what is important, and if you are being a good person, in the eyes of G-d, then your mother needs to take a back seat. She planned her wedding, she did it her way, now it's time to express yourself as an individual, and she needs to support you.

I always tell my clients, stand true to who you are and what you do. When it is done with respect, but unwavering commitment to your choices, your family comes around. It's not easy - but I give you a big pat on the back for choosing what makes you happy!
This IS your wedding!
Debbi

[adias.angel]

Originally Posted by lambert13

So, live in 'sin', make little heathen babies and howl at the moon and worship a goat!

OMG! :) That was great, I read it to my finance and he was laughing so hard. May have to pass that one along for my sister to use on mom.

Originally Posted by cantorballard

I always tell my clients, stand true to who you are and what you do. When it is done with respect, but unwavering commitment to your choices, your family comes around. It's not easy - but I give you a big pat on the back for choosing what makes you happy!
This IS your wedding!
Debbi

Thanks Debbi. Its nice to hear from someone who see a lot of this. In the end we will probably have our Mayan/Cosmic wedding and a blessing upon our return home. You are right about trying to find that balance, it is hard.

I think it will all work out. So far its a whole family against my mom. My sis is campaigning as we speak.

[Bianca]

Originally Posted by adias.angel

OMG! :) That was great, I read it to my finance and he was laughing so hard. May have to pass that one along for my sister to use on mom.



Thanks Debbi. Its nice to hear from someone who see a lot of this. In the end we will probably have our Mayan/Cosmic wedding and a blessing upon our return home. You are right about trying to find that balance, it is hard.

I think it will all work out. So far its a whole family against my mom. My sis is campaigning as we speak.

I just saw you planning pics album... I love it! I have pics all over my desktop and random folders... I need to get organized like you!

[LALA]

Originally Posted by LC_Rachel

Carla- I have a question. So what if your mom considers you not married? In the big picture, how does what your mom thinks change your relationship with your FI?

I was thinking the exact same thing. So she doesn't see you as married - so? It doesn't mean you aren't. If the law considers you married you are. If your mom wants to live with the delusion that you aren't married, that's not your problem.

[EricaG]

Originally Posted by lambert13

So, live in 'sin', make little heathen babies and howl at the moon and worship a goat!

Fuck that. That is blackmail and anyone who is 'religious' and a good christian would not want to use intimidation, fear, blackmail and threats to get you to do what they want. In the name of 'god' of course.

I do not think you should have to do anything you don't want to just to appease someone or any group of people. It is not their fucking wedding!! The only thing that should matter on that day is you and your husband. Not what other people want you to do. People get so asshole-ish when it comes to weddings. Do this, do that, I don't like chicken, it's too hot, I can't wear blue, invite my friend, don't invite that person, blah blah blah blah. It's downright selfish and rude. People always try to make things about themselves instead of being happy and considerate of other people.

"So how do you really feel about this Jason"

This is so comical!!! I love it, especially the part about the living in 'sin' part! LMAO but so true.

Originally Posted by cantorballard

Wow, nothing like a little parental meddling to get people riled up!

But honestly, as a clergy member, I see parents trying to push their values and judgments onto their children, no matter how old their children are. We all need to remember that we have children to raise them properly, we give them roots, and wings, and we hope they grow up to be good people.

Children were not put on this earth to make their parents happy, we all come here for ourselves, though it is important to remember- we should not be by ourselves. Therefore, we have to balance our respect for family, with our own individuality.

Respect, however, goes both ways, and your Mother should be thrilled that you have found someone you love, who loves you, and that you love each other enough to make the commitment to each other to spend your lives together. That is what is important, and if you are being a good person, in the eyes of G-d, then your mother needs to take a back seat. She planned her wedding, she did it her way, now it's time to express yourself as an individual, and she needs to support you.

I always tell my clients, stand true to who you are and what you do. When it is done with respect, but unwavering commitment to your choices, your family comes around. It's not easy - but I give you a big pat on the back for choosing what makes you happy!
This IS your wedding!
Debbi

I really think Debbi has a great, calm approach to this and considering she is in clergy, I think she knows what she is talking about. Great advice!!!

Both saying similar things.....just in different ways!

[cantorballard]

Well - let me answer, now, as someone who experienced, firsthand, in my own marriage and family relationships, what effects, exactly, a disapproving mother can have on your relationship...It isn't as simple as it sounds...

Believe it or not, though I grew up very observant in the Jewish faith, I went home at 25 to tell my Mom I was marrying a Christian. I listened to all of my friends give me the same support I've heard here- and while it is true you need to find your own happiness in life, it is not without its serious impact on your relationship.

The wedding is only the very first hurdle, the first steps in a major marathon. The wedding, and all the joy and fun ends, and you go home, and try to balance your mother's disapproval with your new life. Now, don't think for a minute, your Mom isn't going to try everything in her power to bring everything up to you at every little chance, to point out that SHE was right and YOU were wrong. Your new husband may resent her comments, and over time, those comments become nasty little bombs that erode a relationship.

That is why I specifically said - stand true to your decision. You will probably need to do damage control for the next few years, because a Mother's hurt and rejection of her values can be a terribly difficult thing to handle. If you are not strong (but respectful), it could erode more, which I'm sure you don't want.

In theory - there should be no difference, but in reality - it is not the case. Your Mother gave you life, and it is true - she wants the best for you - better than she ever had, and certainly without the mistakes she made in her life.

As a Mom of a 20 year old young woman, now, I can see exactly why a Mom does what she does. Your relationship (and your husbands) needs to be nurtured with your Mom, and starting off in a bad way only gives you LOTS of work ahead of you. Just understand where she is coming from, as you forge ahead in your own path. And remember - advice is worth what you pay for it! :) Just a little, from someone who has been there..
Debbi

[Hartyt509]

I so agree with cantorballard lol my first mother in law was a jehovas witness, her son wasn't, but she hated me and it eventually split us up. Not because I cared lol but because her son had no balls to stand up to her and ended up doing exactly what SHE wanted.

I'm lucky my dad is on the otherside of the world and would support me in whatever i want, if mum was alive she'd be the same.

However FMIL is an interfering old cow but luckily FI knows that which is why he escaped to the army at 16 lol she's been warned to keep her mouth shut. We didn't interfere in her last wedding (there has been a few think she likes wedding cake!) so she can get lost trying to interfere in ours lol

I am v lucky in that FI will defend me to the hilt and if I'm honest I don't need to be defended I can stand up for myself and boy does she know it.

Make a stand now and stick with it or life will be hellish - my last marriage may have worked if it hadn't been for his mother and sister - now I'm glad it didn't lol

[SAM]

That's tough...Religion is such a touchy subject.

I studied Mayan culture in college, very cool religion and culture. I would try to inform her about the ceremony, culture and religion. If not then I would just leave it out of conversations

My mom was somewhat the same way..."Don't you want god's blessing". I just stopped talking about it with her.

[adias.angel]

Originally Posted by SAM

My mom was somewhat the same way..."Don't you want god's blessing". I just stopped talking about it with her.

I think we might have the same mother. That is almost word for word what my mom said to me.