In Dire Need of Sound Advice - PLEASE help!!!!!

[AprilandPatrick]

Hello girls, I hope you all are having a great day. Ufortunately, I am sick to my stomach with things that I have been dealing with for a while, and feel that this forum is where I can turn to get some advice.

My fiance proposed to me in March of this year. We are madly in love, he treats my 6-year old son as his own, we have a 6-year age difference (i'm 33, he's 26) he is very mature, my family & friends love him. As soon as we got engaged I began planning our wedding. This is my second (and final) wedding, while this is his first (and final:)). My dream wedding has always been to marry in Mexico, as I am Mexican, and it is very spirtitual and sacred to me. As such we began planning for a destination wedding in Riviera Maya.

When we announced our plans to his family they went crazy. First, we had to change our wedding date 4-times to accomodate his mother's travel schedule as she is a professional artist, and has several shows. Once we set a date, she threw a fit, becuase she would be out of town-the date has been scheduled for June 13, 2009. With the new date set she is still upset beuase it still interferes with her travel.

Back to them going crazy. They have persistent on changing our mind to having a wedding in Oklahoma City; his mom, his brothers, and his dad all say that this is what "I" want, and that it has nothing to do with him, while he completely wants it just the same. They are giving guilt trips left and right-it's bad!!!!!! They want us to have it in their backyard (in a small country town, no trees, nothing appealing) and have them provde food and drinks. They keep saying what about everyone else that wants to attend! No one in his family attended our engagement party either except for his dad.....I come from a big family where we all come together, and support each other even if we don't agree on things.

So a month ago, I changed the wedding from Mexico to be here in Oklahoma. The planning was going to cost us well over $20,000.00, keep in mind I am the one paying for our wedding, nobody but me. So one night I asked myself "What the f*ck am I doing?" I'm trying to make others happy, instead of do what I have always dreampt of. So I cancelled that and now we are back on track to marry in Mexico.

However, now his mom is throwing another guilt trip, becuase she wants all of her friends to attend and other people that I have never met. I am planning on having a reception back home, but she is still not happy with that.

I am sick to my stomach, because she will not talk to me (she's never tried to get to know me), and my dad is currently losing his battle with kidney failure so I am completely stressed! I don't know what to do anymore or how to handle her. What should I say? What can I do? I feel like the bad person here, and anything we try to say to them they shut us off. Should I wright a letter? Please help. Sorry for being so long winded.

April

[Yari]

Oh no, this is tough.

Firstly, have the wedding you want. If you want it in Mexico, then do it!

For some reason families tend to get all crazy about DWs. Don't let it get you down!!!

I am sorry about your father!

[jpitts78]

I hate when families do that... this your and your FI's day. Do what will make the both of you happy. Unfortunately you will not be able to make everyone happy, but still this is YOUR day, not theirs. It will suck that they are going to bitch and complain... and as well, if you are paying for it, make it the way you guys want and invite only those you want... if FMIL wants others to be there, she can pay for it then?

[Davematthews16]

First of all I'm very sorry to hear about your dad. He will be in our thoughts an prayers :) Second of all, let me get this strait: You are the one paying for the wedding and they've talked you out of Mexico and into Oklahoma? WTF? I know you are stressed out but you MUST remember that this is YOUR day and it's about you and your man, NO ONE ELSE! Yes family is important, but when it comes to your wedding day, you should stick to your guns and get married where your heart wants to. What does your FI say about it all? I would do what most of us are doing and get married in Mexico and have an AHR in your home town. It's not fair that you are this stressed over it Remember, everyone always thinks they know what's best for you, and everyone always has a "better" idea for you, but you are the only one who really knows. I think you will regret it forever if you don't get married where you want. :)

[JUSTUSTWO]

April, first, I'm sorry to hear about your father. That alone must be hard to deal with.
I don't have too many words of wisdom except to tell you to follow your heart. If YOUR dream is to marry in Mexico & your FI wants the same thing, then go with that. This is your wedding, not your MIL's. You have to do what you guys want. Trying to make other people happy while sacrificing your own wants is not going to work. As you have already seen, since you've changed the date & location before, you can't make everyone happy. No matter where you have your wedding, there will be people that want to attend but won't. Since that is the case, you may as well do what you two want to do.

You say that your FI's family believes that you are the one making all of the decisions. Has your FI said anything to them? Do they know that he wants the wedding in Mexico too? I suggest having him sit down with his family & let them know that he is taking part in the planning & the decisions and that getting married in Mexico is what he wants!
All in all, don't let their guilt trips get to you anymore. You are not the bad guy & you shouldn't feel like it.

[Alyssa]

Hi April,

Ok, I am going to respond in a bullet point fashion because you sound like such a nice person and i feel like FMIL is bullying you and it is pissing me off - since I am ing out of my mind, I am afraid that if I answer you in a paragraph form, I may freak out on your FMIL and FI's family .

• This is your and FI's weddiing - you are on the same page that you want it in Mexico - not an option to have it ANYWHERE else.
• YOU are paying for this wedding - if you don't have the wedding YOU and FI want, you will never, ever forgive yourself.
• your FMIL needs to get over her-self - this isn't about her and if she can't 'accomodate' her own son's wedding, she has much bigger problems than travel dates.
• I suggest putting an end to the madness and letting FMIL know that you and FI understand that this is not the exact situation she would like but this is when /where your wedding will be. Further, let her know that she is welcome to host and pay for an AHR for her friends and family that cannot make it if that is something important to her (don't you pay for that too!!)
• Finally, if you allow FMIL and FI's family to control you now at the beginning of your marriage, it will never stop and continue to get worse.

Good Luck and !
Alyssa

[Alyssa]

PS. i meant to ask you - can you please change the size of your signature picture - our maximum is 500 x 350 and your is way over! Thanks :)

[tvt]

I'm not PMSing and I totally agree with all of this.

Originally Posted by Alyssa

Hi April,

Ok, I am going to respond in a bullet point fashion because you sound like such a nice person and i feel like FMIL is bullying you and it is pissing me off - since I am ing out of my mind, I am afraid that if I answer you in a paragraph form, I may freak out on your FMIL and FI's family .

• This is your and FI's weddiing - you are on the same page that you want it in Mexico - not an option to have it ANYWHERE else.
• YOU are paying for this wedding - if you don't have the wedding YOU and FI want, you will never, ever forgive yourself.
• your FMIL needs to get over her-self - this isn't about her and if she can't 'accomodate' her own son's wedding, she has much bigger problems than travel dates.
• I suggest putting an end to the madness and letting FMIL know that you and FI understand that this is not the exact situation she would like but this is when /where your wedding will be. Further, let her know that she is welcome to host and pay for an AHR for her friends and family that cannot make it if that is something important to her (don't you pay for that too!!)
• Finally, if you allow FMIL and FI's family to control you now at the beginning of your marriage, it will never stop and continue to get worse.

Good Luck and !
Alyssa

[Davematthews16]

Originally Posted by Alyssa

Hi April,

Ok, I am going to respond in a bullet point fashion because you sound like such a nice person and i feel like FMIL is bullying you and it is pissing me off - since I am ing out of my mind, I am afraid that if I answer you in a paragraph form, I may freak out on your FMIL and FI's family .

• This is your and FI's weddiing - you are on the same page that you want it in Mexico - not an option to have it ANYWHERE else.
• YOU are paying for this wedding - if you don't have the wedding YOU and FI want, you will never, ever forgive yourself.
• your FMIL needs to get over her-self - this isn't about her and if she can't 'accomodate' her own son's wedding, she has much bigger problems than travel dates.
• I suggest putting an end to the madness and letting FMIL know that you and FI understand that this is not the exact situation she would like but this is when /where your wedding will be. Further, let her know that she is welcome to host and pay for an AHR for her friends and family that cannot make it if that is something important to her (don't you pay for that too!!)
• Finally, if you allow FMIL and FI's family to control you now at the beginning of your marriage, it will never stop and continue to get worse.

Good Luck and !
Alyssa

YAAAA what she said!

[AprilandPatrick]

Originally Posted by Yari

Oh no, this is tough.

Firstly, have the wedding you want. If you want it in Mexico, then do it!

For some reason families tend to get all crazy about DWs. Don't let it get you down!!!

I am sorry about your father!

Thanks, girl, I appreciate it.