I feel so isolated and depressed

JHarwood2Be · 07-20-2008, 04:41 PM

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. What you are feeling is normal! My mom and step-dad (basically my dad) were killed in a car accident almost 3 years ago. It has been a long, hard process for me.
I remember not having any interest in anything for awhile. I didn't want to go anywhere, I had little to no interest as to what was going on in the world around me. It also put a strain on our relationship, but we got through it. I used to get upset with FI because he never would bring up my parents. He didn't want to make it worse, but I WANTED to talk about it. My friends were supportive, but also didn't know what to say. I ended up finding a therapist and just let it all out and worked through it a little at a time. I also started taking an anti-depressant and working out.
It still is very hard, but I am finally enjoying the present again and looking forward to the future.
Your FI means well. Make a list of things you used to do together and then make an attempt to get started again. I agree that men are "fixers" and he just probably doesn't know what to do for you right now. As for his friend, he might not be doing as well as you think. Men especially are good at playing it off. Hugs to you, we are ALWAYS here!

happygilmore · 07-20-2008, 05:06 PM

I can empathize, as I lost my dad and sister in a car accident we were all in together. All I can say is that it will be hard and that what people have mentioned before is that is hard for others to bring up your dad because they don't know if it is appropriate.....I think the best thing to move beyond your grief is to start talking openly about your dad all the things you loved and hated about him and as people realize they can talk to you about it you might feel less isolated!

In addition, this is going to sound weird but I have actually gone to a woman who reads tarot cards a couple of times since they have passed and was able to help me communicate with my dad and sister. it sounds weird to people but being able to ask questions and feel that you are still connected with him might just help you!

And just know he is looking out for you and loves you and wants you to be happy!

SgtPepperette · 07-20-2008, 05:31 PM

I cant even tell all of you how much I appreciate all of your responses. The support is overwhelming, in a good way of course! I have happy tears now. Thank you!

Thank you for sharing your stories, and input to. I had a good cry myself to sleep this afternoon. And woke up feeling a little better. I have been going to a grief/loss support group once a week. And its helpful, but I do agree I need to seek more one on one help. Unfortunately, the FI and I are using my insurance for a sex therapist. Dealing with intimacy issues due to being sexual abused as a child and preteen. Im just opening up all my dark secrets to you girls. For some reason I feel comfortable doing that.

I have been a huge advocate of therapy/counseling, so have done my share of it. There is this woman therapist Ive been interesting in meeting with but shes a little on the expensive side especially since my insurance wont cover it. Maybe Ill see if I can find someone else that I can afford right now.

Ive come to the conclusion that maybe Im putting to much pressure on my FI. Along with not communicating as effectively as I could. I can barely focus on what Im doing within the hour. When he called me earlier, I probably should of said, actually I really would like the two of us to be together. Im having a hard time today. How about I meet you at home at this time, so you can get time with your friends, and than time with me.

Now that my head is clear, I see how much better that would have been.

Also, I cant put my eggs in all one basket so to speak. I need to reach out to other people in my life, and give my FI a break. My FI's mom passed away when he was 18. So I guess I assume he can relate to me. Although we both lost a parent, we both were at completely different stages in our life, and no two people grieve the same, so I have to remember that.

And thank you for who touched it on the thing about how men like to fix it. When its not an easy black and white answer they dont know what to do. That sounds exactly like my FI.

I cant say how thankful I am to have met this group. I seriously feel like I have such a great support system all over the country. Im so glad I found this place!

This greiving process is so draining! And such an emotional roller coaster. But all I can do is hang on, and Ill get through it.

JaimeLynne · 07-20-2008, 05:46 PM

Wow, you are dealing with a LOT right now huh!?

I think you are dead on about realizing the communication issues. Actually, you sound a lot like my FI right now. He is in therapy dealing with that exact issue. He can think about it later and realize spot on what he should have done, but it seems to escape him in the moment. Myself, well I have been in therapy off and on since the age of 5 so I already know a lot of the stuff he is just learning. It is tough but I'm learning to be patient, so in a sense we're both learning together.

I definitely think you and your FI could share some things about your deceased parents. Like your FI, my mother passed away when I was young - 17. I never really grieved properly at the time because the whole situation was pretty messed up (to sum it up she was a drug addict/alcoholic/extremely bipolar/possibly schizophrenic who died from cirrhosis of the liver). My mother was horribly abused as a child and that definitely affected mine and my sister's lives because she never was able to get the help that she needed. It's very sad what happened to her. Regardless, I had a lot of pressure placed on me and grew up in a very chaotic environment. So at the time of her death it was more of a peaceful moment for me, oddly enough. However, now that I am older I find myself missing her more and more. I cry a lot from time to time. My FI is very supportive. His grandfather (who he was very close to) died from a rare form of what they think was Mad Cow disease (he was a missionary overseas). When I get sad about my mom I try and relate to him by asking questions about his grandpa. Usually we both end up in tears, but it is very therapeutic. I'd say if you're both comfortable in going there then definitely explore that connection.

All this is to say that we all have sh!t that we go through in our lives, but I truly believe it all balances out in the end.

I am sending peaceful and healing thoughts your way...

Sandra E. · 07-20-2008, 06:27 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this right now. I'm thinking your FI wants to reach out to you, but he's not sure on how to do it. A therapist will definitely be a good option and will help you get your feelings out in the open. I'm sending you a big hug.

Tracy · 07-20-2008, 07:24 PM

I totally feel your pain...I lost my mom in September of 2007 and the pain and sadness has not yet gone away. Sometimes out of the blue, I just get sad and cry...and my FI tries to be supportive, but there is really nothing he can do to change the situation....it just SUCKS. I also have not been good about leaning on friends for support..sometimes I feel like they won't understand, and I don't want to be a burden to them. You are not alone in how you feel, I think it is very normal.

KLC77 · 07-20-2008, 07:31 PM

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. It must be so difficult. Glad to hear that you do have some group support and aren't opposed to seeing someone individually. Its so helpful (a thing I've learned first hand) to be able to talk with a professional who has an unbiased perspective. Reaching out to other friends will probably help too, but know that you can always post here and we are here for you!

Nrvsbride · 07-28-2008, 12:15 PM

I'm so late to this but I just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you (and to all the other members who have lost loved ones). I hope that you will find peace in your heart and comfort in your friends and FI. Please know that no matter how alone you may feel there are tons of people out there who love you. I know everyone on here is thinking of you and sending you good vibes so that you may get through this difficult time. Feel free to reach out to us or vent anytime.

JaimeLynne · 08-08-2008, 04:30 PM

Hey just wanted to check in on you and see if you're feeling better...