Family not approving

krysiafosz · 07-23-2008, 09:07 AM

I've been going through the same exact thing, but it's been getting better! y family is so stuck on tradition and doing things "the right way", but who says their way is the right way? I think some people just have a hard time accepting that their children have minds of their own and are actually grown up.

We decided to do a DW because we can't get married in the Catholic church without my fiance going through the annullment process-something he doens't want to do, especially since he had a son out of his last marriage. (I completely understand). We offered to get married in a different Church (Lutheran, Episcopalean, etc) but my dad said he wouldn't feel comfortable with that. So I brought up getting married outdoors, which made him feel better, then I mentioned Mexico and he started smiling! My mom has been slow to accepting this because she's worried about what other people will think, and all of the people that won't be able to go, but it is ultimately something that WE want. So she's done the same thing, dropped little hints, or brought up little negatives here and there about why we should get married in the states instead, but she's coming around. It took her a good month or two, and now she's just a little anxious because she thinks planning a wedding in another country is hard. I am the one doing all of the planning though, she hasn't looked into it much, so she told me that once I ceom to her and show her the details she'll feel better about it.

It has been hard for me, especially since as the bride, I would love for my family to be happy, and show some excitement over the planning process, not keep bringing up concerns.

Just trry to take a deep breath and remember you're not being selfish in your decision, and the others that might be giving you a hard time, THEY need to come to terms with it, not you. = )

ccarmany23 · 07-24-2008, 06:30 PM

Good advice I love it this thread. I will definitely try to keep that perspective in mind and not feel selfish for the DW decision......Thanks.

Erica053009 · 07-24-2008, 07:20 PM

I have had the same problem with my future mother in law...my family lives all over and no matter what will have to fly (yes there stay would be cheaper in NY) but her side does not have to travel. She is also sooo traditional and we are not. She constantly tells me this is a bad idea and her not being my mother I can't tell her to shut up and walk away like I could my own plus she only does it when the FI is not around to back me up. So my point is if this is how you picture your lives together starting out by bringing the most special people of your life together and having an intimate wedding instead of the HUGE NY wedding which always seems to be about the food, flowers, place, etc and not the joining of 2 lives, 2 families, 2 souls well F them. This is the beginning of your new lives together and whatever you want and if you have a wedding here or there everyone has their 2 cents to put in, you can not make everyone happy and on this one day it is about the 2 of you. You just have to be prepared people you want there may not be able to come but that is the risk we are all taking. did any of this make sense :)

frazali · 07-24-2008, 08:12 PM

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this thread!!!

My mother has been horrible about this DW. I got into it with her on the phone yesterday when I was at work. She says that since this is my 2nd wedding (and people had to travel to GA for my 1st) that its an imposition to ask people to travel for my 2nd.

Hogwash.

First of all, we are having an AHR as well for people who for whatever reason can't make it. How muvh easier can we make it for people to attend either the DW or AHR?!?!

It's driving me crazy, but I'm really trying not to let it get me down.

On a brighter note, I created our wedding website last night and today - and it looks great!

JoLo908 · 07-28-2008, 03:03 PM

Oh, this thread hits so close to home! We were so excited about having a DW, especially the fact that we will be in a beautiful location with friends and family, and it will be like one big joint vacation as well as a wedding... Then I sat at a relatives house the other day and they said, "So, what can we do to convince you to not have a destination wedding" and began rattling off all of the reasons we shouldn't... I couldn't take it and broke down crying stating, that in New Jersey, it costs soooo much money to have a nice, even moderate wedding and be able to invite our family and large group of friends. My parents do not have the money to help us with the wedding, and his do not either, and I have student loans to top it off....I am blessed to have found my soulmate, and doesn't that deserve a beautiful day that doesn't cost me upwards of $35,000? (In NJ, many people I know have had weddings, buffet style, on Fridays, trying to save, and have spent over $50,000).... Lillie... this is YOUR day... the two of you deserve what you want, and I am sure you would never tell someone else not to do something they've wanted for a long time... At the end of the day, family and friends should be happy that someone they care about found true love and companionship... bottom line...

Lillie09 · 07-29-2008, 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JoLo908

Oh, this thread hits so close to home! We were so excited about having a DW, especially the fact that we will be in a beautiful location with friends and family, and it will be like one big joint vacation as well as a wedding... Then I sat at a relatives house the other day and they said, "So, what can we do to convince you to not have a destination wedding" and began rattling off all of the reasons we shouldn't... I couldn't take it and broke down crying stating, that in New Jersey, it costs soooo much money to have a nice, even moderate wedding and be able to invite our family and large group of friends. My parents do not have the money to help us with the wedding, and his do not either, and I have student loans to top it off....I am blessed to have found my soulmate, and doesn't that deserve a beautiful day that doesn't cost me upwards of $35,000? (In NJ, many people I know have had weddings, buffet style, on Fridays, trying to save, and have spent over $50,000).... Lillie... this is YOUR day... the two of you deserve what you want, and I am sure you would never tell someone else not to do something they've wanted for a long time... At the end of the day, family and friends should be happy that someone they care about found true love and companionship... bottom line...

Thank you for your words.
I'm just going with the flow and planning the wedding we want. If anyone says anything I ignore it and move on. I don't have time to hear peoples "suggestions". I will do what I want just like they did what they wanted for their wedding.
I'm lucky I have my sister and friends to be genuinely excited for me no matter what it costs to go away (which everyone does once a year anyway).
I'm sure my wedding (and all of our weddings) will turn out fine.

ltl_leah · 07-30-2008, 03:36 PM

My parents have always LOVED the idea of a DW. They have been so pleased with the decision that they are giving my FH and I a considerable amount of money to pay for wedding costs. They are being more than generous and I couldn't ask for anything more. Now my future in laws are a different story, especially my FMIL. She's the the sweetest lady, but the things she's saying about our DW is a annoying. She's very reluctant to go and get passports and suggests we just get married in the US as opposed to Mexico. We would never change our minds just because his family would rather have it in the US. My FH was talking about our wedding this week and she asked if it was possible to drive their RV to Mexico for the wedding. Hilarious!! Newsflash. You still need a passport. I know they will suck it up and just do what it takes to attend our wedding in the end. I'm fortunate to have a fiance who is exactly on the the same page as I am. I know that his parents will not have any persuasion value on him. I just don't know what more his mom is going to suggest to get out of traveling to Mexico for our wedding. It will be difficult for her to top the RV thing.

krysiafosz · 07-30-2008, 07:04 PM

Take an RV....it WOULD be an adventure......lol. Why don't these people look at a DW as an exciting trip where they can have fun and experience new things

?

MsSunshine · 07-30-2008, 07:17 PM

You should do what your heart is telling you to do. There is always going to be people complaining and you can't make them all happy. What you can do is have a simple DW and whoever wants to come that would be great! You can have an at home reception...wear your wedding dress again and do the first dance and cake cutting.

smacik · 08-19-2008, 12:37 PM

It just keeps getting worse for me, but you are so right about doing what's in your heart. Going against what you truly want and crushing your dreams hurts worse than dealing with family opposition. We finally set a date of 5/13/09, and we are figuring out ways to save extra money in the event that my parents change their minds about helping with the cost. I think we all need to just be strong, stick to our dreams, but try to be understanding of our family's traditional ways. If they can't learn to appreciate our decisions, they are missing out on such a special time. Hang in there ladies!!!!