ahhhh ... stupid MIL!!! - LONG!

AlmostMrsForbes · 06-06-2008, 01:06 PM

Hi, Girls!

I am about to pull my hair out. As I've told some of you in a previous thread - my MIL drives me NUTS. She makes veiled nasty comments about everything from my weight to my family to choices I make in our home. She is very critical, and I am not used to that - I come from a home where my parents were very supportive/loving. Anyways, DH always thinks that I'm too sensitive and that I overreact. He says that she acts that way to everyone ... like that makes it OK!

Anyways, we just got married in May. She sent DH an email asking him whether he wanted her to visit the weekend of July 19 or 25. The only problem is that we didn't invite her!!! I find this to be so, so, so rude. DH says that it is his mother, and she can visit whenever she wants (within reason - not every weekend). I say that she should wait until she's invited. Do you girls think I'm out of line here?

Plus, she has pretty much been stand-offish and cold to me since the day I met her (4 years ago). During the wedding week in Jamaica, however, she was a sweet as pie. I don't know what was going on - I don't know whether she thinks that she might as well play nice since I'm not going anywhere or whether she was heavily medicated or what. DH thinks I ought to just be happy and embrace it. It is hard to forget 4 years of bitchiness, though. I really want nothing to do with her - other than when she's visiting DH.

We've been fighting about this for 2 days! I hate it. I need to hear girls, if I'm being unreasonable - its easy to get caught up in the situation and not see the "forest for the trees" so to speak.

Thanks in advance for the advice!

cmmdee · 06-06-2008, 01:10 PM

^^ LOL. I love that you said maybe she was "heavily medicated." :)
Maybe she was putting on a front at the wedding to appear nice in front of your guests?

This is a tough one. She seems like she's an unhappy person so she prob wants everyone to be unhappy around her cause that is how she feels. It sucks but there are people like that. Try to talk to your hub about it and not argue any further since the prob is not with him, it's with her. I say, just pick out a weekend that works better for you guys, cause she is always going to be in your lives since you're married and make yourself scarce that weekend.

Good luck!

lucy106 · 06-06-2008, 01:12 PM

Coming from a gal who had ex in laws who moved in to her house uninvited and parked their motor home in the drive way, uninvited...nip this one in the bud now!!! Dont let this become a habit!! I mean yes it is his mother and all but why the hell does she think she can just come on down (miss ya bob barker). Especially since your relationship isnt exactly perfect.

ErinB · 06-06-2008, 01:12 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable, especially when considering your history.

I do think you need to let it go though, at least for now. Maybe she was making an effort at the wedding or was drugged. Either way if she's not as bitchy just take what you can get!

She did give you notice which is a plus. She did give you about a month and did offer 2 different dates, it's not like she showed up on your door step.

I'd say try and get through this first visit, being thankful that you don't live close by. Maybe suggest that she pick a movie to go see while she is there. That way you are being social but don't have to talk to her and if it's her selection, she can only blame herself!

Good Luck!

FI's family was like that with me and still are a little bit, even after 6.5 years and an upcoming wedding!

AlmostMrsForbes · 06-06-2008, 01:13 PM

you're right ... the other thing is that she has this weird thing with DH. she divorced his dad when he was 1, and has never had another man in her life. so, she's pretty much tried to make DH "her little man" -- weird, weird, weird. she puts 100% of her emotional attachment on him, and then acts manipulative and whiny. gross.

sorry ... i'm in a hater mood!

DanielleNDerek · 06-06-2008, 01:17 PM

I personally don't see a problem with her asking if those dates are okay to visit, at least she is asking and not just showing up. you could always say no. and maybe she is really trying to make an effort. i think you have to decide if you would like to try to have a relationship with your mil or if you'd rather not because she's been such a beotch to you in the past.

That being said, i get a long with my fmil really well maybe my opinion would be different if i didn't.

Jenn · 06-06-2008, 01:17 PM

That's a tough one... I understand your thinking she shouldn't invite herself, but she's his mom. My mother has an open invitation in my house, same with my DH's family. I don't love my in-laws, but they are part of my life. They actually annoy the hell out of me, but so be it.

I think you really need to stop fighting with your husband and pick a weekend that works better for you. I totally agree that you should just find places to be that weekend, to the point where you don't have to deal with her for 72 hours straight, but she doesn't feel like you are avoiding her. Good luck!

Maura · 06-06-2008, 01:20 PM

des, your MIL sounds like the mom from arrested development and how she treats her son buster.

i dont think youre being unreasonable given the history between you and his mother. but i think you should let this go. i agree its rude to invite yourself anywhere no matter who you are and what relation you have to someone. if she comes and gets out of line with you in any way, you tell her that her opinions are hers alone and that she has no right to criticize you in your own home. you MUST stand up for yourself.

then again she may pleasantly surprise you and realize now that you are married to her son you are not going anywhere!

Allaballa · 06-06-2008, 01:35 PM

I think you are being completely unreasonable. I understand this woman rubs you the wrong way and all, but she is you DH's mother. If she wants to visit, let her visit. She will have to visit at some point so one of those weekends is as good a chance as any.

Unless you have some other pressing plans you will not come off in the best light to your DH and his mother if you prevent her from coming. This will only fuel her resentment of you and what's worse, give her ammunition against you.

I know it tough, but you have to suck it up at least a few times a year and deal with her.

LC_Rachel · 06-06-2008, 01:41 PM

My family isn't really proper like that. My parents invite themselves all the time- but then again, we are both close with them so we don't care. If that's how his family is, I think it will be hard habit to break.

After all, when you have kids and you want to visit them, do you want a relationship in which you can't just ask them if you can visit but instead wait for them to invite? I know I certainly don't want that.

BUT with your MIL, your DH really needs to stand up for you- or at minimum, back you up when you stand up for yourself. Don't let her treat you like garbage. She will continue to disrespect you. You don't deserve that and your DH does not need to pass it off as you being sensitive. So what if you are sensitive even. The point is that you feel like shit. He shouldn't allow you to feel abused.